Doing the best I can.
Nov 19, 08- (by Diary of a Quitter)
- one response
- Sober Salon
How do you know when you’re doing the best that you can?
I don’t know why, but I’m finding lately that I doubt myself on this quite a bit. I mean, on the one hand, I think that I’m doing the best that I can given my situation right now. But there’s always this voice, which sounds suspicously like my mother, in the back of my mind telling me that there’s really nothing wrong with me and I’m just lazy.
Probably I should just ignore that voice, but it’s difficult to do at times. I had the kind of mom and dad that never missed work or any other kind of obligation - not due to “real” illnesses, and certainly not due to made-up psychosomatic ones like depression, addiction or fibromyalgia. They both had either an amazing work ethic or a really deep-seated drive to work to avoid other life-issues…or maybe a little of both. And frankly, I was never quite as motivated as them, or my siblings.
I’ve been ok with that, for the most part, but whenever I’m unable to push through and the fatigue or depression or pain gets the better of me I start to hear that berating voice. I read stories about folks who have overcome great obstacles, disease and disability, poverty and violence and instead of feeling inspired by the strength of the human spirit I beat myself up for not being more like them. I’m unkind to myself and that is profoundly unhelpful.
So I don’t really have any great insight here. Just that I think it’s important to keep in mind that addiction is a real disease (and they don’t call it “recovery” for nothing) as are depression and fibromyalgia. Like anyone who has been ill for a long time, I deserve time and space to recover, even when it seems like it’s taking way too long.
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How do you motivate yourself to write? I’m so glad you are sharing this experience with us. And I wish so much that I could make it all go away.
I listen to chanting music whenever I heard the negative chatter. You know, like Krishna Das. For some reason, it is always very stabilizing.
Stay strong.