The End of a Long Week
Nov 8, 08- (by Mama MPJ)
- 10 responses
- Family and Friends, Sober Salon
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unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy.
I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world
as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.
~Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book)
This past week has been one of those in which I look at my life, not with gratitude for all that I do have, but in despair for all that I don’t. I have been craving the things that others seem to have: time, money, older independent children (or no children at all yet). I’ve even found myself stewing in rare jealousy at times. And I’ve found myself craving what I’ve never seen anyone else (not even me) have: the fairytale marriage I used to think I had.
My mind, swimming in exhaustion, would have me believe that if I had those things, I’d be happy. I know, from experience, that this is not the case. I know that what I’m seeking — a life of utter ease and pleasure, in which the world and all the people in it revolve around me and my needs and desires — is an impossible illusion. Yet, emotionally, I want to work to make that fantasy a reality or at least to believe in the fantasy enough to escape into it.
I know, intellectually, that the answer to the problem is not fussing or trying to rearrange the details of my world to my satisfaction, but that’s my impulse, my reflex. And I find I’m not only not accepting of things as they are, I’m not accepting of my attitude or how I got here. I’m beating myself up for having somehow, somewhere, made a mistake. I keep wondering what I could have changed to have avoided coming to this place. But the answer is not in the past either.
What I need to accept right now is: however I got here, I’m exhausted. And the solution isn’t to run away from home and scattering my responsibilities in the wind behind me. The solution is to take a nap. And that’s exactly what I’m going to do.
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I hope you had a wonderful, long, nap.
Sometimes a nap is the best answer. I just listened to an old podcast that addressed this issue of acceptance, and it really spoke to me. Ajahn Brahm talked about wanting that something else, that one thing or set of circumstances that would make us happy: that concept that we’ll be happy when we get . “I’ll be happy as soon as I have more money” … or the fancy car, or the laundry washed and dried and put away, or a different job. It can go on and on, and he says that we won’t really be happy when we look at things in this manner; we’ll simply be trading one set of troubles for another. He gave an amusing example: he was overhearing two sisters who were visiting the monastery. One was married and complaining about her rotten husband; the other was single and was complaining about her loneliness. He said that if the single sister were to marry, she’d just get herself a new set of troubles - “married person troubles”. And if the married sister divorced, she’d get “single person troubles”.
It really made a lot of sense to me, having been through some troubles myself, having been married, then single, married again. Employed, un-employed, with money and without it. I have experienced this trading of one type of trouble for the next, but I never realized that’s what I had done until listening to that talk. It put a lot of things into perspective to me, much in the same way naps do.
I think you deal with such things with a lot of dignity. You make it seem very graceful.
((((HUGS))) I think taking a nap is an excellent idea. I know sleep can do wonders for me when my thinking moves into the overwhelming mode. The good thing about feelings is that they do change and this will pass. Just remember to stay in the present moment, take it second by second, it just makes life more manageable. Sending love and light your way.
XXXXX
Rest helps. Letting it out helps too.
*hugs* A nap sounds good. I hope the week ahead is easier on you.
Page 417 of the Big Book is by far the most important page for me. It is the page I have turned back to over and over to help me in my continued sobriety, which includes weekends and holidays.
Living life on life’s terms is a model on how I chose to live my life today, one day at a time.
Thank you for writing this today, for it was written for me. With my new job overwhelming me right now, and the feeling that I don’t belong, it is easy to forget that today, right now, things are exactly how they should be and whether or not I want to I am living life on life’s terms. ~AR
Sending warm squishy hugs your way. Overwhelmed is such a despairing, exhausting feeling. I promise that another feeling will come along soon; feelings are transient that way. Here’s hoping the next feeling is a better one.
Much love,
-Sophie
I have days like this too!! I find myself getting jealous of my sister who is always shopping, eating out and doing what she wants because both of her kids are neurotypical!
Sleep well sister! I am a big believer in the power of a good sleep (whether it is middle of the day or going to bed early).
I keep finding my acceptance place, then wandering off again into that cycle of beating up self, looking at everything I don’t have and having to find my way back…Half the time, I don’t really know I’m doing that. Thank you for the reminder.
I found peace when I gave my life and marriage to the Lord. I’m not preaching, only sharing. My marriage went from ZERO to “blessed” and beautiful. I never knew love could be this strong.