Powerless/Unmanageable
Nov 4, 08- (by RAW)
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- Sober Salon
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I used to think powerlessness over my addiction (drugs-crack), meant that I was powerless after I took the first hit. Today, to me, it mean I’m powerless not to take the first hit, unless I take action to prevent it. Though I accept mentally, the concept of addiction, the truth is, inside I resent having to do the things I have to do to stay clean. I resent having to do them. I resent their redundance. I resent the time they take - and the energy. Sometimes I get tired of doing them and before I can really reap the benefits, or even secure these benefits, I give up or rebel.
Rather than seeing addiction’s treatment as something that frees me, it feels like constraint. The gap between “who I am” and “who I want to be”, between “where I am” and “where I want to be”, often overwhelms me. Powerlessness means I use when I don’t want to use. Powerlessness means I use in spite of consequences, known and unknown. This is insanity.
I use when I know it is damaging to me. It is like becoming The Hulk at any moment. I see my addiction as something that makes me different from others. It causes me to do things that are shameful and often even evil. It causes me to forfeit opportunity to live. It causes me to constantly live desperately and in crisis. It causes me to push people away. It causes me to live and think “less than.” It causes me to take instead of give.
Addiction never allows me to follow through on my intentions, especially toward those I love. It never lets me experience fulfillment. It never lets me maintain joy or enjoy security. Addiction brings predators and degraders into my life. Addiction causes me to experience stress and fear in every area of my life. Addiction causes me to devalue and loathe myself.
To fully discuss the evidence and impact of powerlessness and how it renders my life unmanageable would require volumes. It’s left me broke, broken and shattered, suicidal, frustrated, paranoid, insecure, defensive and anti-social, to name a few.
to be continued…
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