I Feel Like I’m Dying.
Oct 30, 08- (by JunkysWife)
- 9 responses
- Family and Friends, Sober Salon
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I guess I’m in detox from my drug of choice.
I feel sick and empty inside. I can’t stop my eyes from leaking. I feel needy and desperate and I want to make somebody come take care of me.
I feel like I’m never going to be ok, ever again. I think that I know I will be ok, but I can’t feel it right now. I can’t get comfortable with myself. I can’t be still. I can’t sleep. I can’t think.
I want my husband, and I can’t find him. I could find his body, but he isn’t inside it. I don’t know how to get to him. I don’t think I can.
I keep seeing him on AIM and imagining that maybe it’s a portal. I want a magic portal to help me get to him. I want a direct line to the man I married, some kind of way to get through all the anger and pain and addiction and get to the sweet, sweet essence.
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I just have to say that I understand, I don’t know you but I am living in the detox state right now as my hubby is in a hospital. I can’t stop crying and I hate the out of control feeling. I would pay money to make this all stop. I can see my hubby’s phsyical body but he’s still not there. I hate to make the 1 hour drive to see him. Its too painful. Why do I love this mess?
I can feel your pain, i live it also sweetie…i have chosen suboxone, its the only way out for me, i have felt nothingness, but i’m not high I have been searching for the wonderful man i married for over 2 years now…the emptiness, the lonlieness, the emotional nonexistance, the broken heart, the non stop thinking of how and most of all WHY…
I am hoping i can find him soon, he starts suboxone treatment on nov. 3rd. not a perfect solution, but better than where he possibly could be now, wherever that is…my husband may be back soon.
Sending you hugs if you want them. Sorry you’re hurting right now.
When my first marriage ended I was consumed with grief. I saw a therapist and she asked, point blank, “are you able to picture yourself in the future without him?” I was unable to. Her advice to me was to stop looking back, start working on picturing the possibility of a future that he was no part of. It took a while, but I was eventually able to do it.
I suffered a lot when I was married. Towards the end he was unbelievably cruel and cold to me, yet I kept hanging on to the memories from the beginning, when he had been so loving and understanding. It wasn’t worth it.
Your powerful, susinct words leave me without many to write in response as I am now pondering my relationships lost and the ones where I couldn’t or wouldn’t reach inside to find the person I wanted to touch.
After two weeks without contact, my addict called me at 5:15AM this morning and I picked up. Bottom line - he said all he had was “an ounce” right now and asked me to accept that. I need more than an ounce. I want the whole pound. Hell…I want ten pounds in a five pound bag! What do I do? I can’t wait to talk to you Sunday night.
hi,after all, sorry if i have a bad english, im not good at this. I was looking for an answer to my own problems, but the destiny brought me here just to make me feel i m not the only one feeling like shit, i m just a teenager, so my situation is completely diferent, you see, i have a boyfriend, we’ve been together for 1year7months, we’ve never had sex, at the begining it was not an issue, he used to tell me that those were not his intentions that he loves me, and that he would wait a life if i asked. but now i feel he is not interested in me , he doesnt tells me he loves me anymore. he has not invited me out. and many other stuff. and i feel i really need him , i’ve made tons o things hoping we would change, but it seems to me he doesnt care bout me anymore and maybe is cus we have not been you now, together. i would do everything to have him back ,
Hang on to your integrity, sweet girl. All you’ve got in this life is you and God. If this man won’t wait for you, then he’s not worthy of the treasure that you are.
Do me a favor, ok? Find some time today to get quiet - even if it’s just for 15 minutes or so. Look for the sound of your own heartbeat and the ins and outs of your breath. Just sit with yourself and listen. I bet you’ll feel the soft, warm winds inside of you that I’ve learned to call God. Trust that still, quiet place, and I promise that it will sustain you for as long as you live. You are complete in yourself, and having a boyfriend or a husband should be a blessing, not a crutch.
Take good care of yourself!