I Feel Like I’m Dying.
Oct 30, 08- (by JunkysWife)
- 7 responses
- Family and Friends, Sober Salon
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I guess I’m in detox from my drug of choice.
I feel sick and empty inside. I can’t stop my eyes from leaking. I feel needy and desperate and I want to make somebody come take care of me.
I feel like I’m never going to be ok, ever again. I think that I know I will be ok, but I can’t feel it right now. I can’t get comfortable with myself. I can’t be still. I can’t sleep. I can’t think.
I want my husband, and I can’t find him. I could find his body, but he isn’t inside it. I don’t know how to get to him. I don’t think I can.
I keep seeing him on AIM and imagining that maybe it’s a portal. I want a magic portal to help me get to him. I want a direct line to the man I married, some kind of way to get through all the anger and pain and addiction and get to the sweet, sweet essence.
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I just have to say that I understand, I don’t know you but I am living in the detox state right now as my hubby is in a hospital. I can’t stop crying and I hate the out of control feeling. I would pay money to make this all stop. I can see my hubby’s phsyical body but he’s still not there. I hate to make the 1 hour drive to see him. Its too painful. Why do I love this mess?
I can feel your pain, i live it also sweetie…i have chosen suboxone, its the only way out for me, i have felt nothingness, but i’m not high I have been searching for the wonderful man i married for over 2 years now…the emptiness, the lonlieness, the emotional nonexistance, the broken heart, the non stop thinking of how and most of all WHY…
I am hoping i can find him soon, he starts suboxone treatment on nov. 3rd. not a perfect solution, but better than where he possibly could be now, wherever that is…my husband may be back soon.
Sending you hugs if you want them. Sorry you’re hurting right now.
When my first marriage ended I was consumed with grief. I saw a therapist and she asked, point blank, “are you able to picture yourself in the future without him?” I was unable to. Her advice to me was to stop looking back, start working on picturing the possibility of a future that he was no part of. It took a while, but I was eventually able to do it.
I suffered a lot when I was married. Towards the end he was unbelievably cruel and cold to me, yet I kept hanging on to the memories from the beginning, when he had been so loving and understanding. It wasn’t worth it.
Your powerful, susinct words leave me without many to write in response as I am now pondering my relationships lost and the ones where I couldn’t or wouldn’t reach inside to find the person I wanted to touch.
After two weeks without contact, my addict called me at 5:15AM this morning and I picked up. Bottom line - he said all he had was “an ounce” right now and asked me to accept that. I need more than an ounce. I want the whole pound. Hell…I want ten pounds in a five pound bag! What do I do? I can’t wait to talk to you Sunday night.