I Hate this Disease.
Oct 28, 08- (by JunkysWife)
- 3 responses
- Family and Friends, Sober Salon
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Tonight, I am very, very angry at my husband’s disease. I’m angry because I remember the sweet man I married, and that man is nothing like the man I’ve been living with over the past few weeks.
The reading in our Nar-Anon daily meditation book today, which was about detachment, said:
The addict has to take care of his or her own life struggles, as we have to take care of our own lives. They may not see there is a problem if they never have to experience it. It is my responsibility to take care of me and my life. By detaching, I can allow this to happen with love.
I am glad that today’s reading is about detachment, as detachment is the tool that has saved me through the hardest times of living with an addict. I am angry, however, at detachment today. I am angry for having to use it. I am angry for having to separate my life from my husband’s life. When we got married, I bought the idea that we were no longer two people. We were one, and our separate lives would become one life. I don’t like it that we can’t entangle. I want to entangle. I don’t want to take care of my life while he takes care of his. I wanted us to spend many long, happy years together, taking care of each other.
And I am willing to adjust, to learn new ways of connecting with someone. I am willing to forgive, to work together to build something new…I am willing and ready to do my part. I know, though, that I can’t do it alone.
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I hope he finds the strength to adjust as well. you can’t do it all yourself.
You once said in one of your posts that your husband is your DOC. But I think it’s so much harder for you than it is for those of us whose DOC is actually a drug. We know that we have to abstain; stay the hell away from the drug that triggers the compulsion that ruins our lives. And we know that drugs aren’t going to change or grow or someday become a good idea.
But you have this beautiful love and hope that someday he’ll get it, that he’ll find recovery and be the man you know he can be. I know how hard it was for me to give up on a drug, so I can only imagine how hard it must be to try to make that decision about a person who you care for so very much. I really admire your belief in love, and your belief in a person’s ability to grow and change. I truly hope that one day that faith will be rewarded - you deserve that.
I really admire your belief in love and your faith in a person’s ability (or potential) to change. I really hope that will be rewarded some day, and I also hope that you continue to find ways to care for yourself in the meantime.