More and more I’m beginning to think that if one gets sober and stays sober it is entirely by happenstance; that no amount of effort, no profound experience, no treatment program, no great desire, no necessity, has the power to get and keep any of us sober. And I certainly don’t have the power to produce sobriety on my own. So if I can’t get sober because I want it bad enough, need it bad enough, have worked hard enough for it, have paid enough for it, etc., then every day that I happen to stay sober must be an anomaly. A fluke.

Or a product of grace.

There is a man who attends many of the same meetings I attend, who, I don’t know, it may look different to someone who is really paying attention, but to a newcomer, or relative newcomer, tells an incredibly inspirational story. He talks about being a half gallon a day vodka drinker who was set free by the program of AA. He has a powerfully moving story that made me always look forward to hearing him speak.

Yesterday morning I was watching the news, part of my normal routine, and learned he had been arrested for selling, on two occasions, crystal meth to a female undercover officer posing as a 15 year old. He is also accused of soliciting sex from teenage girls. Surprised doesn’t begin to describe what I’m feeling. Skeptical doesn’t touch it either. Afraid is closer.

The other thing that got me thinking about this is that my step-dad is back at the Betty Ford Center. Again. This is the 4th time. He totaled his car by driving into his house. Frustrated that he couldn’t get inside, even with the gaping hole in the exterior wall, he kicked in the front door.

I’m sure Betty Ford has a lot to offer someone who wants to get sober, but I wonder what will make it different the 4th time around. I wonder how someone who,, by his own account, has experienced the gift of recovery and who shares that experience, can lead a double life of drug dealing and pedophilia.

I hear the protests. I have them myself. “That may be true for those men but I’ve done X, Y, Z, and I’ve stayed sober. Sure. I’ve done X, Y, Z. And I stayed sober. But I really doubt on balance whether X, Y, Z actually got me sober or kept me sober. Maybe XYZ did it for me but won’t work for anyone else. “You did XYZ but you didn’t do it good enough, or enough times, or standing on your head under a full moon.”

Maybe XYZ was just busy work; something to make me feel like I was doing something productive while a miracle happened in my life. Looking at how many people try, and genuinely desire to get sober every year versus the number who actually stay sober really makes me wonder if the gift of sobriety isn’t exactly that - a gift. Something akin to winning the lottery. Scratching that ticket did not earn me the money. But maybe, like the lottery, you have to play to win.