I’ve been working the 12 Steps with an online group, and after a few weeks compiling our fearless and searching moral inventories, our group finished Step 4. When I shared some of my work with my husband, he was amazed at how thorough the work was. “You’ve done about a years worth of work in a few weeks!” he said. And he means it.

Mark started working the steps five years ago when he began his recovery and he is currently on Step 7. Part of this is due to the painstaking thoroughness with with Mark approaches problems, and part of this is due to sponsorship logjams. (People in SAA can begin to sponsor before having completed all 12 Steps, but they have to stay ahead of their sponsees, so sponsees occasionally have to wait while a sponsor somewhere up the line finishes the steps.)

Given the pace at which our group is working (and the pace at which Mark and his sponsor are working), I’ll soon lap him. On Steps 8 and 9. Steps 8 and 9! You know, the ones where you list the people you’ve harmed and then make amends? Those are the one partners of addicts are waiting for. And I’ve been waiting five years for those steps. It’s like being born on a leap year and waiting four years to celebrate my birthday. Only worse. Obviously. Because it’s been five years.

Now, I know I’m at the top of the list of people harmed. Yep. No question. I get to be top of the list, right? And I’m pretty sure that I’m going to get some pretty kick ass amends. Like a beach house. And a small island to go with it. Maybe one of the Hawaiian islands. Molokai is small. I’m pretty sure that’s not too much to ask for what I’ve been through.

But no! I’m going to be making amends to Mark first. I’m going to acknowledge the ways in which my codependency has hurt him and make amends. It’s a good thing it has taken five years, because at this point I am finally ready to say I have my part, and to know that saying that doesn’t absolve him of responsibility for his part. I’ll be able to do it go in knowing that my actions have hurt him in their way, and I do have amends to make.

Maybe I’ll get him some candlesticks, to symbolize the light of our love and our higher powers guiding us on this journey together. And besides, I think they’ll look nice in my beach house.