Resentments Are Fun!
Oct 8, 08- (by Mama MPJ)
- 11 responses
- Family and Friends, Sober Salon
Step 4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
I am currently working on Step 4 of the 12 Steps with an online group. Step 4 is the one that scares people (including me), because who really likes to take a good look at all their character defects? Ok, I’m not perfect, but do we have to talk about it, really? Can’t we just pretend it’s not there? That method has been working for me so far, right? Well, alright, it hasn’t, but I’m pretty sure denial could work if I just give it one more go and try harder this time.
Still, so far Step 4 is turning out to be a lot more fun than I thought it would be, in part because one of the things I get to do is list all my resentments. (Sure, I’m going to have to find my part in those eventually, and let them go, but for now listing them is delightful.) I have traditionally been a resentment stuffer. I shove all of my resentments way down into a hard little ball inside me that has become so dense over the years that it’s in danger of collapsing under that vast pressure into a black hole that will eat the world. It already has an amazing gravitational pull, let me tell you. But now I finally have permission to let all of those resentments out.
I got through close to 30 people just during the time my husband was putting the kids to bed last night. I kept sitting on the sofa and thinking, “Who else do I resent? Oh, yeah! There’s that guy!” And I’d delightedly type some more. There were a lot of people and a lot of crusty, yucky old resentments that I’d been hoarding for years inside, and it felt good to just bring them out into the light of day.
My husband actually has the distinction of having made the list several times. After all, marriage can be a hotbed of resentments (yes, the fact that he doesn’t help as much as I’d like with the housework was on the list), but marriage to a sex addict breeds whole new categories of resentments. Fortunately, I tried to stick with generalities like “lying” rather than burning time on specifics.
Later today I have to deal with these resentments and find my part in them, but for now, I say: “In your face, guy who stopped me on the street fifteen years ago to ask for directions to 7-11 and wasn’t satisfied when I said that it was one block over and a few blocks up! I resent you! I resent the fact that when I tried to be helpful, but couldn’t remember the name of the cross-street or whether or not it was exactly two or three blocks up, you harassed me and called me stupid and sighed and rolled your eyes and stormed off like a big spoiled teenager instead of a grown man in a business suit. I resent the fact that you took up my time and in return for my effort at kindness, you badgered me for details and made me feel incompetent because you weren’t satisfied with the directions that really would have, believe me, gotten you to that all important 7-11. So there!”
Whew! I feel better! Admitting the resentments are there is the first step. Isn’t that fun?
Leave a response! All your responses matter, so say whatever you want. But please refrain from spamming and shameless plugs, as well as excessive use of vulgar language. Please refer to our Code of Conduct.
This is a fun read on the fourth step which is normally met with such aprehension and seriousness it scares you!
I was going to write something tres serious, but thinking about it I agree with Cat. Have fun with it while you can.
(I’ve never seen an online 5th Step. I wonder how that goes? Admitted to God, to ourselves and to a bunch of anonymous computers… ?)
Bill, thanks so much for letting me have fun while I can!
Your guy on the street reminded me of the teenager who stopped me after I’d bought a bottle of Advil at a 7-11 and asked me if she could have some, and when I said “no”, looked at me incredulously and said “you’re not going to give me some? Just two? You’re really not going to?”. Wow, didn’t know that one was still there!
I’ve never done the steps, but I’ve spent years listing my resentments in an effort to find out where I can change for the better and then let them go. I think that’d probably be the one step I could actually do!
I’m glad you’re having fun with it …
Where can I find an online group doing the 12 steps? I haven’t managed to get my self to an off line group, maybe the online would be a step forward.
I was such a people-pleaser when I first started the steps that, when I was asked to list my resentments, I was certain that I had NONE. I was too nice to resent anyone. My sponsor instead had me use an Al-Anon book called “Blueprint for Progress”, and with that the fourth step was much easier.
I hold grudges/resentments of the “Where in the hell did that come from?” variety. Just last Sunday, my family went over to my in-laws for dinner. As usual, I made the whole dinner - halibut cooked in parchment paper packages with a white wine, butter and garlic sauce, wild rice with a simple mirepoix, and broccoli tossed with fresh lemon juice and a touch of flavored olive oil. Sounds nice, right?
Everyone else is sitting around watching the game and letting the kids run amuck while I cook, but I’m used to that by now. I’m also used to having to set the table, get the kids their own dinner cuz’ there’s no way they’d eat anything as weird as halibut and wild rice, and prepare beverages for all.
What I didn’t like, what I am still stewing over, is that Luigi (Age 7) came in the dining room while the grown-ups were finishing dinner to ask if he could have some cookies. When I saw that his dinner was only half-eaten I said “No, not until you eat this much.” Well, he just gave me a look, made a face with a lower lip sticking out, crossed his arms and stomped off with a “Fine.”
Then my father-in-law says to me, “That’s aaallll you.” “What? What does that mean,” I said. To which he responded, “You pout in a huff just like that.”
Well, thanks a lot you ungrateful cretin! I bring the groceries, cook the delicious meal, clean the kitchen as I go, serve everyone hand and foot, HAPPY to all be together, and he throws out some stupid bomb like that.
Oh, yeah, Baby. Have I got some resentments. I think I’d need a Step 4, 4a, 4b, 4c, and 4d, just to work my way through them and organize them either chronologically, alphabetically, or by degree of anger. Hmmm. Maybe I should do that. These resentments get in the way of my Here and Now thinking.
Well, thanks for letting me vent and make your resentment Step aaalll about me.
I’m glad you are working on the ever dreaded 4th step, but taking it on in a new light. Getting resentments out, on paper, from deep inside, is so good for the soul. You are on the right path, and I’m happy and proud of you. You are such an inspiration!
I’d forgotten this old resentment…but it’s true…I do resent the woman with a homeless sign, who when I handed her a dollar bill, but noticed at the last sec that it was a $10, not a $1, and said oh wait that’s a ten, she snatched it away and smirked at me. I resent her for that.
[...] strengths. The problem is, it’s a lot easier to come up with a list of seventy-five million resentments than it is to come up with a handful of unqualified strengths. And I say “unqualified [...]