Break Ups.
Oct 8, 08- (by JunkysWife)
- 14 responses
- Family and Friends, Sober Salon
Breaking up is hard. It’s hard in any circumstances, and I’m remembering some of the interesting mental acrobatics that I’ve engaged in previously in breakups as they come back up again. For instance, I am already plotting conversations I can have with my husband in November. I’ve prepaid our veterinary expenses for the year, for instance, so I am planning to be able to talk to him in a few weeks to tell him we need to talk his dog to the vet.
The last time I was engaged in the messiness of ending a relationship, however, I was no longer in love. I was ready to move on. I didn’t want to be around the man I was leaving anymore. There were parts of me that wanted to reminisce with him, to hang on to old memories…and I’d call him periodically afterward to stick my tongue in the sore tooth.
It was hard, but it was nothing compared to this. We were entangled in terms of our stuff. It took time to sort out who had bought which CDs, and who really owned the vacuum cleaner, the dog, or the mattress…but we got through it. We were not entangled in terms of who we were. We had different friends, different interests, different ideas. It’s not the case with my husband.
In some ways, we are much less entangled in our stuff. All the stuff is mine except his clothes and a few miscellaneous toys he’s collected. But the emotional and psychological entanglements are kind of a Gordion mess. I can’t tell today what it is I’m feeling, as I don’t have him to test my feelings against. I’ve been living as a reaction to my husband for so long that I’m not sure who I am without him.
And I am still so fantastically in love with him. I don’t want to spend a minute away from him, from his physical self, but I also don’t want to spend any time around him. He is my drug of choice, and I’m itching for more and repulsed by the way contact with him makes me behave.
I’m confused all the time. I’m glad I have a pile of work to keep me going. I’ve been able to stifle the crazy voices in the back of my head that are plotting my next moves by focusing on the next word I’ve got to write.
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You’re doing ok. Whatever you do you have accomplished so much as you can see by all the people you have to support you.
I am so sorry for your pain. My only advice would be to allow yourself to feel and work through your pain. Give yourself time to grieve this loss. It will take some time, but you will be stronger for having gone through it. You are in my prayers.
I can really relate when you write that you have been living as a reaction of your husband so long, you no longer know who you are without him to help define you. I’m sending positive thoughts your way.
You have to take care of yourself first and foremost. I still talk to most of my ex’s from my days as a full blown addict, if he ever gets well he will understand. In the long run we are all happier and much better off..I wish you luck and will pray for you..
I also really relate to what you said about living as a reaction to your husband for so long that you no longer know who you are without him. I’m sending you love and healing.
I am in the same EXACT boat you are. My heart goes out to you. You are doing the right thing right now. There is nothing wrong with space. It clears your head. Give it time and your HP will guide you where he wants you, I promise.
At least at this point you realize that without him you are someone. I hadn’t gotten that sense from you in your writing from several months ago. It’s OK to not know who we are. I think most of us feel that way when we leave active addiction. I’ve often the process is kind of like diamond mining. There are diamonds in there but to find them we have to get rid of everything else.
Prepaying the vet bill so you can tell him he needs to take his dog to the vet— that’s rich! Even in your deepest pain, you somehow are able to express something delightfully absurd. I am guessing that is the “watching you” as opposed to the “suffering you. I don’t know if you know what I mean by that but it’s good thing in case you do not.
I am sad you are having a hard time but I know you will be all right and ultimately better for all of your experiences—good and bad. You have that combination of smartness, curiosity and bravado that seems to make all your experiences visceral and meaningful.
I am truly moved by how many people love and support you with their comments. Just add my love and support to the pile!
“He is my drug of choice.” JW, What a powerful sentence. I completely get the sentiment, and I know how much harder that love made it for you to choose sanity and life for yourself when he cannot choose it for himself right now.
You are a rare and wonderful woman. Good Goddess, I hope he gets his shit together. In the meantime, I am really proud of you for doing you best to keep yourself together with some dignity intact.
Much love.
In a similar situation to yours (love as the drug of choice) I had to work the whole idea of “in love”, and separate the reality of the person in my life from the ideas of passion and devotion and so on that I had — in my case they weren’t actually the same, the passion was a thing in itself that I had somehow tied to a person who was not so good either to me, or for me. And I had to unwind a lot of lies to figure that out, and to start taking care of myself. I’m lifting you up and certain that you will find your way.
Blessings.
Thanks again - I swear to God you’re channeling me. I know that I am someone without my addict. I was my own person before he was in my life. But I am so “fantastically” in love with him, and yet repulsed by his active disease, He is definitely my drug of choice. I keep myself busy ALL THE TIME. It’s the only thing that’s working right now. God, Woman - I love you!
Stay strong and give yourself lots of self lovin.
Wow, it sounds like a great step for you. So much insight here, too. Good luck, stay strong.
Hey, I just noticed, looks like feathers in the painting–is that Leda and the Swan/Zeus?