An I statement is far better tolerated than a You statement. And it is less likely to offend when expressing ones ideas, morals, and opinions.

Have a great weekend. AR

It’s been really hard for me to begin to change those ingrained habits. It still takes some conscious effort on my part to stick to “I” statements, but it has helped both my outlook and my communications so much when I can do it. In addition to keeping others from becoming as defensive, I’ve noticed that when I do revert to “you” statements most strongly, it’s a sign that I am in a bad place mentally and emotionally and am focusing on other people to escape that. When I notice it, I can begin to acknowledge the underlying feelings I’m avoiding and bring the focus back onto me. Paying attention to my “I” and “you” statements has been a powerful tool in my recovery.

I was actually thinking of this yesterday in reference to politics too. There are an awful lot of “you” statements flying around and mucking up the political dialogue. We are feeling attacked and aren’t able to listen or be listened to.

Not judging, and thus not being judgmental, is a matter of practice, I find. Sometimes I can express myself appropriately… in away that can be understood by the person I am addressing. Sometimes not. I then have to start over and try, try again.

I don’t know if you have experienced this, but I often experience men doing this more than women, the You Should statements. I am reading a book called, “You Just Don’t Understand,” which is a socio-linguistic primer on the differences in conversational style between men and women and how these differences cause so much misunderstanding. Anyway, the sharing of a similar experience is a subconscious maneuver to establish equality and women use this style more than men, especially with other women. Men tend to be Mr. Fix Its and try to tell others what to do. With other men, that works fine, but women feel that is an attack because it creates a hierarchy. A lot of the book is dated, but I feel it’s generally true. I always try to create a equality before I advise. Honestly, if I can’t establish the equality, I don’t know what the hell I am talking about.

So, this has me wondering about something: I don’t hear the phrase “it’s just a word” much anymore. Is this b/c i’m hanging out w/ only ppl who realize how powerful words are, or is it just that our society in general is more psychologically-centered? Eh. Just a pre-coffee thought.

Abbie, that’s an interesting observation. I have noticed this as well, and I think you’re right. People -at least those in my social circle and yours as well from the sounds of it- have been deeply hurt by “just words”, and have realized their own power to either deeply hurt, deeply move, or just help heal others with their words. In my experience, those who have used the excuse that “it’s just a word” were generally doing so as a way to avoid taking responsibility for insensitivity; their claims were their way of invalidating their audience’s feelings.

Abbie and Jade (with apologies to the Junky’s Wife for going off tangent to her original post), unfortunately it’s society’s bend-over-backwards effort not to hurt others with “just words” that has led to an entire generation of people who think that “just showing up” equals “job well done”. Schools give an “E” for effort instead of an “A” for mastering the material; trophies are handed out to everyone on every team (because there can be no “losers”) regardless of how hard they practiced or performed, and personal responsibility and accountability have been shelved so as not to lower anybody’s self-esteem. I think vicariousrising hit it on the head with the fact that some comments might hit “uncomfortably close to home” - and while they might be painful to hear, the way one argues for or against them might at least provide some insight as to which direction one should head. The only words that tend to hurt are the ones we’ve already thought, and dreaded, about ourselves. The trick to happiness is to be okay with whatever path we choose to take, regardless of what anybody else says. Call me a doormat, a co-dependent, a drama junky, a floor lamp. I just don’t care. They all hold the same weight with me: none.

In my own group we just went over validation and one of the points that was made was that when we respond to what someone has said with sharing a similar personal experience similar we are essentially turning the attention away from what the person has just shared and turning the attention onto us. Whether I statements are used or not, responding to someone’s experience with a similar experience of our own devalues theirs in a way. Our group has worked hard at reflective listening that focuses on letting the person know what they have shared has been heard and understood before moving on to other similar experiences. In my opinion, one of the powerful aspects of a group can be their ability to let someone’s experience be understood by another person… without anyone chiming in to try and fix the situation. It’s giving everyone permission to say “this is where i’m at right now” regardless of whether it’s right/wrong/good/bad or what the group members would have done differently. All that to say, I’m not sure that using statements to deliver feedback is the best idea because they can sometimes distract from what the person was saying. While I-statements may avoid the defensiveness that comes with delivering feedback directly, all the sudden the conversation is about you and not them… possibly leaving them feeling like their experience isn’t as important as yours.