My husband, Mark, went to an all day retreat with one of his 12 Step groups today.  He got up this morning before I did and climbed into the shower.  I looked groggily at the clock and listened to the water running.  7:15 a.m.  My son woke up and came into my room.  “Get up, Mama!”  The water in the shower was still running.  I looked at the clock again.  7:35 a.m.  Mark had been in the shower at least 20 minutes already.  My anxiety inched up the longer the shower went on.  Why was he taking such a long time in there?

He got out about five minutes later and put on a shirt.  He went through every pair of pants in the closet, looking at and discarding each one.  He went off to the dryer, where I had left a pile of clean laundry, folded and ready to be put away and looked through the pants there.  He came back to our bedroom and looked through every pair of pants again.  Then he took off the shirt and repeated the process with all of his shirts.  It was after 8 a.m. now and he still hadn’t picked that perfect outfit.  By this time, every muscle in my body was tight.  Why the need for the perfect outfit for his 12 Step group?  Why was this weekend grooming taking several times as long as a normal workday?  Was he meeting someone?

As he was getting ready to leave, I said, “Honey, I have to tell you, I’ve got a lot of anxiety right now around this retreat.  You spent a lot of time getting ready this morning, and that brings up memories of your acting out in your sex addiction.”

“Yes, I have a lot of anxiety around this retreat.  It’s in a new location and there will be people there I haven’t met.  And that anxiety is coming out in my perfectionism.  I want to look just right.   I don’t want to look like a slob, but I don’t want to be too dressed up.  I’m afraid of people will judge me.  And I’m also anxious because I know it’s triggering for you and I’m sensing your anxiety.”

“And I’m anxious because I’m sensing your anxiety!  Go figure, my anxiety has been feeding off of yours and yours was feeding off of mine in some crazy codependent cycle.  But you know, it’s funny, just saying that I’m anxious and hearing that you’re anxious makes me feel so much better than sensing that anxiety but not acknowledging it.”

“It’s true.  I feel better just saying it too.”

It’s amazing to me how often I forget that I have a way to break that cycle and stop the perpetual anxiety machine running between us.  It’s as simple as being honest about what’s bothering me and being there to listen to what’s bothering my partner.  I just wish I had remembered that before I spent nearly an hour spinning in my anxiety as I watched him spinning in his own.