Trying to pull it together
Sep 10, 08- (by Diary of a Quitter)
- 2 responses
- Sober Salon
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The past few weeks have been difficult, and I’ve been screwing up. A kind of passive screwing up, in that I’ve been screwing up by not doing things, but the result is the same. Stagnating, or backsliding, and then self-recrimination. Not a fun time.
I think this all started when I went on vacation. I guess I didn’t realize how much I needed the little routine (which I sometimes affectionately think of as a “rut”) that I’d cultivated for myself. Hey I learned something! So, yeah, I came back from vacation sick and my fibro was exacerbated by travel and I went to bed with a book. There I stayed - no writing, no thinking, no calling friends, I even bailed on my therapy appointments.
Outside my bedroom door the stress was piling up. School about to start, bills needing to be paid and no money, bounced checks, lying to the landlord, the house is a mess, the laundry’s not done. I had all of the problems of active addiction…and I didn’t even get to be high to escape it. Nice!
On top of it all…or perhaps underlying it all, I’m deep into the process of tapering off Suboxone. I’m down to 1 or 2 mgs a day, and I’m feeling it. It’s nothing like any of the other times I’ve tried to kick a habit, but it sucks all the same. I’m tired, so tired, mildly achy, apathetic, and unmotivated. I’m also ready to do this, and I’m reaching for my lost perspective.
Today was a little better though. My head a bit clearer, and I managed to stay out of bed all day. I dragged myself to the gym, where I struggled through my workout, shaky and breathless - but I did it, the whole thing. I soaked in the hot tub and I feel better physically. I called a friend, and emailed another.
I’m a little overwhelmed to see how easily everything that I’ve worked for this past year could just slip away. Vigilance has never really been a strength of mine. Maybe habit can substitute in a pinch, I don’t know. For now, I’m just going to focus on the basics. Back to the gym, make an appointment with my counselor, a coffee date with my friend, force myself to sit down and contemplate the truth, write it down.
I’ll be ok. I’m pretty sure of it.
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Thanks for writing, you’ve been missed.
My Mom has fibro and it has been a really intense experience watching her productivity slip away. It is very hard for her to complete tasks.
I’m glad you are cognizant of your experiences and are able to push yourself. Congratulations for going to the gym! That inspired me to go tomorrow. Ha, we’ll see.
[...] I’m off for my coffee date now - part of my “Back to Living” campaign. I can’t hide in my bedroom forever you know. If you want to read some more of my whining, I have a post up at The Second Road. [...]