Anonymity.
Sep 3, 08- (by JunkysWife)
- 5 responses
- Family and Friends, Sober Salon
When I first started blogging, I was pretty careless with my life story. I wrote about specific incidents in my life, labeled characters with their real names or with abbreviations of their names. I never expected anyone to read except for a few friends, and I was shockingly naieve about the likelihood that anyone would be interested in my story.
I told folks about the blog, even, and I didn’t expect any of them to read. I wrote, and wrote, and wrote, and spewed my insides out for all the world to see.
And see they did! Eventually, an ex of my husband found the site, and a few of her friends started leaving harassing comments or emailing me. The efforts I’d taken to protect myself revealed themselves to be grossly inadequate.
It’s funny. I have found again and again in this chapter of my life that the efforts I’ve made to protect myself are grossly inadequate in so many ways.
As the blog grew and as I have grown, however, I’ve become much more concerned with protecting my Anonymity, but there are times when I still want to give up some details, both in the real world and online.
In today’s post, for instance, on my site, I wrote about some things that might identify me to people who know me. I wanted to write about that moment, but I hesitated. I hesitated because I was afraid of what people who don’t know me would say…but I’ve turned off comments at this point, so those hesitations are brief. I also hesitated because I was afraid someone who knew me from my past would read it and learn some of the details of my life.
There was another moment in my real-world life where I’ve struggled with anonymity. One of my students is writing a paper about her struggles with addiction and her present situation, where she is knee-deep in a codependent quagmire with a friend who is an alcoholic. She is involved in A.A. herself, and I went back and forth about whether or not I should reveal my online self to her.
She started to confide in me before she knew about my connection to addiction, and so I eventually shared my story with her.
I’m a little confused, though, about this intersection of real life with blog life. I think one of the things that makes me confused is my tendency to keep up a veneer of perfection. I want students, family, coworkers, and other folks to think that I’m perfect and to see me as strong, smart, and invulnerable. Throughout my life, I’ve lied to protect that veneer.
But I’m changing now, and some of those walls are beginning to crumble. I’m uncomfortable with the in-between, and I’m uncomfortable with revealing the truth about my less-than-perfect life. I’m uncomfortable with the possibility of being found out. I’m uncomfortable with the possibility of being truly integrated, truly adult, and finding peace.
Leave a response! All your responses matter, so say whatever you want. But please refrain from spamming and shameless plugs, as well as excessive use of vulgar language. Please refer to our Code of Conduct.
I remember when my own walls crumbled in my life - when the lie that I’d upheld about my strength, my will, my character, all fell down around me in heaps of rubble. It’s frightening, and painful, and it makes one want to run and hide - to pull something very large and very soft over one’s head and shut out the rest of the world entirely. I was uncomfortable with the in-between too; but it’s like standing naked in the rain: at first it’s awful and cold and very, very scary. Then you sort of get used to it and before you know it, everyone you know and love is standing naked in the rain with you.
I admire your courage - what I see as courage. And I admire the strength and growth you’ve shared.
Wow, I am having the same problems. More the post part I have been very open on my blog about who I am. I recently wrote an esssay which condensed many different experiences over a few years and made them take place in a club I recently worked at as a dancer. A girl who has been harassing me all summer there found it and accused me of lying about the dancers at the club. I explained that I creatively put other girls from my life into the club, but it didn’t matter- she just wanted to start trouble with her blog readers who are also my blog readers. Big mess, but I have found that I need to thoroughly change names and places- but I love names and places, the name of a place feels just as important as any detail and good details make good writing. Also, I feel my blog is a self-portrait. Anyway, we’ll figure it out.
Ps. Your recent metaphor in your blog of having a bird thing inside you, the thing that makes birds go south- SO GOOD! Loved it.
“Can’t stop what’s coming. Can’t stop what is on its way.” - Tori Amos
I like Jade’s analogy about feeling naked in the cold rain. It takes a lot to hold your head high with your truth when you know others will judge you. But in the end, being authentic to yourself is an enormous gift that also tends to inspire others. I’ve realized that most people who would condemn me are scaredy pants and not terribly happy people. I got tired of being afraid to be me.
Of course, I’d never go running around naked in the rain. Maybe I ought to change that. Could be life changing.
I think that sharing my story is part of what I do in recovery. I am not anonymous to those I sponsor or at meetings. I share my experience, strength and hope. And I think that it’s important to share as I guide sponsees. That part was never fearful to me.
You ARE strong, smart and perfectly vulnerable. I think vulnerability is the hardest thing for many of us to accept and to work through. It’s like a valve, though, and one for everything. I don’t think we can shut it off without shutting out the good things as well as the bad, hence the constant adjusting.
I feel similar to you about the issue of anonymity. But I have learned that if I cultivate my friends carefully, even on line, I need not be so afraid. And you are one of the reasons I feel that way.