back in the saddle
Aug 31, 08- (by Etta)
- 3 responses
- Sober Salon
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So here I go again…revealing my life to you in hopes that this time I won’t have to write about getting dumped in my next post. Yup, that’s right. I went on a date…again. This dating thing, while exciting, kind of sucks to tell you the truth. I’m too old for this!
I’m too old to get all pretty, hoping to convince a stranger that I’m worth a look. I’m too old to pretend to be interested in uninteresting topics in order to keep a conversation going. I’m too old to smile too much, laugh too long, and stand too tall–whew, I’m getting tired just thinking about it!
If I admit that I’m an alcoholic, will that send him away? If I admit I like to nap, a lot–that I NEED to nap, a lot–will that imply I’m lazy? If I reveal working part-time is a necessity, rather than a choice, will that create concern? If I allow disability and depression to slip out, will that make him bolt? What about the two chewed fingernails (I’ve got it down to two), the calloused runner’s feet, and the shiny face sans make-up? Ugh…I think I need a nap.
Yet, despite all those silly and not-so-silly concerns, off I went on my date. It was fun. It went well. I tried to stay present. I tried to feel whole. I tried to “Let go, let God,” and let life happen as it would.
It was exhausting!
But, in the end, I was smiling. The energy expenditure was worth it on this day.
What happens now, I do not know. Perhaps my lesson learned between last week and this is to be okay with “I don’t know.” Life on life’s terms, right? Despite my alcoholic tendency to control, to force, or to rush the next move, I am trying to be patient–a very un-alcoholic trait. I remind myself that I am okay, single or not. And I remember that I am not the boss. Trusting that life will occur, what will happen will happen, and where this relationship goes are not for me to decide alone. What a relief…
Thanks, God.
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Ya know, if someone else is paying, it’s a no-brainer. Ha!
Control? Force? Rush? You forgot, demand the outcome immediately. My thoughts and prayers are with you, and as i try to tell myself daily, even if he leaves me, I’ll be just fine–thinking worst case scenarios is sometimes useful for me.
Glad the date went well. And that either way, you’re ok.