Detaching from Fool Talk.
Aug 26, 08- (by JunkysWife)
- 11 responses
- Sober Salon
My husband said something stupid this morning. He made a joke about the sexual abuse I experienced as a child. It was hilarious. Totally.
As soon as he launched the words from his lips, he knew he’d crossed a line. I can’t talk about this stuff very well. In my life, I’ve shared the details of this experience with my husband, my sponsor, and a few dear friends. It’s not a funny story, and it’s not something I’m real comfortable engaging. It hurt me.
One thing that was pleasantly distracting, however, from the pain I was feeling was to observe my husband’s response. It was so typical of him, and so typical of the addicts I’ve known and loved in general, that it helped me get outside of my own pain and become something of an observer.
Because he’d hurt me, he got defensive and withdrawn. I didn’t even say anything to him, at all. He got up from where we were sitting, and he went to sit alone on the other side of the room with his back to me. I could tell he wanted me to comfort him, and I could tell he was afraid that I would cry or be angry.
I didn’t comfort him, and I didn’t cry or get angry. I left the room, got dressed in my yoga duds, kissed him goodbye, and went to a yoga class. I cried a little in the car on the way there, but it was for me, for the little girl version of me. It didn’t have anything to do with him.
In so many relationships in my past, I’ve found myself in the role of comforting someone for the hurts that he or she had inflicted on me. It’s a ridiculous, familiar role, and I’m glad to have escaped another session of that mad dance this morning. I was talking to some friends in recovery last night about detachment, and it made me recognized how far I’ve come in learning to detach from hurtful people and situations.
I’m not sure if I’m done with this incident, but I’m proud of how I handled it at first. I’m not sure if I’m going to talk to my husband about how hurtful his words were or how deep a violation of trust it seemed or if I’m going to let it go. He knows already, so there’s really no need to talk. It’s another instance where the line between acceptance of what is and accepting unacceptable behavior seems a little wavery to me, but for now, I’m content to move forward and know that I’m ok.
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That sounds exactly like my husband! The “I hurt her so I’m gonna get all defensive and act more hurt so I don’t have to face what a jerk I was and apologize” thing. And he was surprised when I moved out. I told him that I was sick and tired of having the same unresolved argument for 25 years. I’m so much more at peace now. It’s wonderfully quiet and calm in my home without that drama. You deserve that too.
Breakthrough. Major! I so clearly understand the exact roles you are describing. I’ve been on both ends of them.
Usually I’ve played his role. I stepped away from it and I hope he does also. SO that you both get what you deserve in the relationship.
Big hugs to you, JW. I like how you handled this, it’s a lot to be proud of.
I wonder about that line between acceptable and unacceptable behavior too. Sometimes though it’s better for me to just keep my mouth shut until I can determine what the root of my feelings are. If someone says something hurtful to me, I generally will say that the comment was hurtful. Then I let it go. I don’t argue or try to down the other person. It would do no good anyway. Glad that you detached.
Yay, you! And I often find myself in that situation, though I don’t think I’ve articulated it that way, of caring for someone who has hurt me. I’ll need to be more conscious of that.
nice
Wow- I never realized what was happening when this was happening, but I also go straight for comforting someone when they have hurt me- to keep the peace. Holy shit, how unfair! We deserve lovers and friends that hurt when we are hurting, not leave us alone (sitting with their backs to us) when they hurt us. Wow- how unsafe you must have felt having that made into a joke.
We deserve lovers and friends that hurt when we are hurting, not leave us alone (sitting with their backs to us) when they hurt us.
Might want to take a good look at that statement, then meditate on it. Quite a bit of insight to be had, I’d say.
Thinking about what I do or don’t deserve never seems so productive. I don’t deserve to be treated badly by my husband. He doesn’t deserve to have a chronic disease. I didn’t deserve lots of the bad things that have happened to me in my life, and I probably didn’t deserve lots of the good things, either. I think, for me, it’s healthier to stay in the moment and to accept what is and make my decisions based on what makes me happy today.
How did you get to the point where you could detach in this way, shuck off the “I deserve/I don’t deserve” self-talk? Through 12 steps, yoga, meditation, therapy, or all of the above? The “I deserve/I don’t deserve” talk is something I do a lot–and I am trying to change that. Therapy isn’t quite cutting it.
12 steps, yoga, and blogging are my triangle of power, but it took a long, long time.
Honestly, it’s mostly Nar-Anon that’s helping me with the detachment. I’m not in therapy presently. I was for years, but my financial situation doesn’t allow it now, and I have been surprised to find that Nar-Anon has done more for me than one-on-one therapy ever did.