I don’t know what it’s like anywhere else, but around here there are two AAs; one is populated with the middle classes, the other with people who may never be middle class. It’s not a hard and fast rule, of course. There is always overlap in divisions like this, but there is an obvious difference that is apparant to even the most casual observer.

For the most part the people in the first group came from middle class families, graduated from college, own homes, and cars, and have money in the bank. They shop in department stores,. They floss. They eat in restaurants. They remember people’s birthdays.

They get haircuts in salons.

The other group are more easily identifiable as people with substance abuse problems. They’ve spent more years incarcerated than in school. They don’t eat right or exercise or iron. They have 600% more tattoos than the first group. None of them have ever used the word obtuse correctly in the normal course of a conversation.

I fit solidly in the no man’s land in the middle. I come from a family that enjoyed economic stability, even prosperity. My mother has a college degree, but has never worked. My dad is a Ph.D., recognized as one of the leading scientists in his field. My parents, at least in my childhood, never drank. I have great teeth. I used to be really smart and in spite of the obvious damage that years of crystal meth use have done to my brain, still think I’m pretty bright.

But I’ve also spent alot of time locked up, I haven’t always lived in a structure, have never had a job or a boyfriend for more than two years. Ever. I look totally normal when I walk out the door, but my house is a wreck, and I suspect that I allow that to continue on purpose, but not consciously.

Though I have no way of proving it, I suspect that the real difference between the two AAs is the age at which we began abusing drugs and alcohol. I think that the reason that I haven’t fallen on the side of the fence with the people I aspire to be like is that I never made it out of my childhood with the skills and experience that help people navigate the demands of living successfully. From the time I was 15 I was drinking and using. The year after that I was on the streets of LA. I haven’t ever really completely stopped surviving, and I don’t know how.

And when I tell people, the “functionals”, that, or when I tell them what I struggle with or ask them how they know how to do what they do, they distance themselves from me.

So I’ve been a client of the Idaho Department of Vocational Rehabilitation and when I went to them for services I tried to be very clear that my objective was to solve the external barriers that keep me stuck in low paying, dead end jobs. That has never been their objective, though. While they send people to college all the time, people who, for lack of a better term, are knuckle dragging troglodytes, their only interest in me was to buy me some shoes and a new pair of glasses about 16 months ago so that I could get a $10/hour job and that is good enough.

The appointment I had with them yesterday made me feel so worthless; like I’ve hit the top of all I can ever hope for. Like the idea of me finishing college is about as realistic as negotiating peace in the middle east. I feel angry and hurt and afraid that they may be right. I also feel certain that unless I have adult supervision I won’t be able to get into and finish college. I’ve tried on my own before, more than once, and failed. And the people who are supposed to coach me through this won’t make the investment. Which makes me think they must not believe I’m worth the investment.

I did the only thing I could think of to do to make myself feel better; the thing that those people from the first group do.

I got my hair cut in a salon. And I’m worth it.