I filled in my member page just last night and thanks to the sobriety counter, realized I have 1507 days sober. The official date is July 7, 2004. I hazily remember that particular July 4th merging into the 7th, with no sleep in between.

This year, thankfully, I remember everything about July 7th and even the days proceeding it. I had a beer to celebrate, as my own path to recovery allows for alcohol. I never had a problem with alcohol, so I haven’t seen the need to eliminate it from my life.

My clean date from crystal meth went by relatively unnoticed, as happens when one doesn’t seek recovery within rooms like AA or NA. I don’t work within a group that would applaud my sober date.

I was in Montana at the time and my host had just recently retired from the mental health industry, so I told her about my accomplishment. She seemed shocked, but to reciprocate the awkward, unexpected moment of honesty, opened up to me about removing alcohol from her life. Then we got on our scooters and rode around town to watch the Western sunset, which lingers until 10pm.

I called my partner and she extended a congratulations. She didn’t know me in my emaciated, 25 lbs. underweight, paranoid, reclusive, exclusive, disillusioned and disconnected days.

Really, what could I expect from her or anyone? It would have been nice to get ahold of my old dealer, my once best friend now lost, and say, “Hey, you probably didn’t think I would make it this long, jerk. But thanks because the chaos you introduced into my life has made me stronger!”

That reaction itself indicates to me that I still harbor some frustration against her.  But instead I’m going to focus on how I live my life everyday with a new, acute sensitivity and appreciation. I almost didn’t make it. Had I chosen to keep using, I would have lost my mind, all my possessions, and possibly had a heart attack.

Let’s see, I had the usual symptoms of a paranoid, sleep deprived meth user. Which was frustrating when I began reading about the drug and its effects, because those hallucinations seemed soooo unique, holding me in a crippling grip. At one point I couldn’t bear to use my cellphone because I thought it would give people a way into my brain, and they would control my thoughts. That’s just the tip of it.

Yep.

So now, four years later, there is a new chapter. I’m at a place where I can give to people. To give freely, to offer service with pure intent, is the most liberating, rewarding actions you can make.

I wasn’t whole before, in fact, there was a gaping hole-with a centrifugal force of its own. It pulled in every possible scenario to distract me from looking at myself.  The best work I can do, first and foremost, is to improve upon myself and offer my humor, love, experience, and energy to my partner, child and community.

I can stand in front of anyone without shame, because I know I’m authentic. I’m here now, and it was a really dangerous, epic journey for which I thank all the angels guarding me.

Does this article provoke discussion? Aside from comments, you can join the chat group I started. Find the chat groups page and look for “using alternative paths to recovery.” I would love to learn from you!