On a Different Path
Aug 20, 08- (by Mama MPJ)
- 7 responses
- Sober Salon
I have never (yet) worked the 12 Steps, have never had a sponsor, and have only been to therapy five times in my life (that would be five one-hour sessions split between three different therapists). I’m an S-Anon/COSA/CoDA dropout. I’ve cobbled together a recovery path that works for me out of meditation, reading, writing, yoga and seeking out connections with others who do still go to group. And it scares the hell out of me.
I’m not doing things in the way that’s been tried and tested by others through the years. I’m off exploring some kind of codependency alternative medicine rather than taking what’s known to work for millions of others, my husband included. I worry (like a good codie) that my husband and I will lose each other somewhere along the way because I’m off on my own hacking my way through the jungle instead of treading the same well worn path he follows. I try to remind myself that I can only be where I am, and that even if his particular recovery path is ultimately the right place for me, it’s just not where I am now; and if I lose everything in my life because of it, well that’s the best I could do with who I was and where I was at the time.
A few weeks ago Mark and I were out at dinner sharing where we each were in our journeys. When I finished telling him about a struggle I was having, he said, “You know, honey, I’m so grateful to be married to you. When you said you weren’t going to go to therapy because it wasn’t working for you and when you left your 12 Step group, I was really scared. But you didn’t stop. You just keep pushing and working and looking for answers and examining yourself, and you never give up. When guys in my group ask what you’re doing, and I tell them you’ve got your own thing, I can see them kind of roll their eyes, like, ‘Yeah, right.’ But I know. You’re doing amazing work. And I love you so much.”
Now maybe one day, I’ll move far enough in my recovery not to need to hear things like that to give me the confidence to take my own next best step and do what I need to do for me right now. But having him acknowledge the fact that I’m trying and it’s scary, to both of us, sure helped in the here and now.
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Ha, that’s so funny, because I’ve been loving reading your blogs so much and I thought maybe I should get myself to a 12 step group because that’s what I thought you were doing and I want some of that wisdom for myself.
I am patching together my recovery in a similar way, and I sometimes struggle with the idea that I’m not doing enough or worry that I’m doing it wrong. I also feel on the outside of the shared recovery shorthand vocabulary that flies around. But I’m super stubborn and I’ll do it my way for as long as it works I suppose.
Bowser and I had the same exact conversation a couple of weeks ago. We were discussing my blog and how it came to be (um, that muse would be You) and that the last nine months have been the gestation for the recovery group I always wanted and could never find. Nine months ago I was a MESS, doubting every choice I had ever made in my codie recovery and being terrified of the effects my decision to stay in the marriage and raise our beautiful boys together might have on my family. Bowser had relapsed and it was not a good time for our marriage. And then the phoenix rose out of the ashes. Now I have all of these wonderful internet friends, my own blog on coping skills for mental illness and codie-isms, a Google reader packed top to bottom with brave, funny, and frightening tales from interesting and compassionate people, and a whole slew of resources and clubs that I did not know existed nine months ago. Bowser commented on his joy for me that I finally had the group for which I had been looking for 10 years. And we both sense the irony in that the medium he used to get his fix and nearly destroy our marriage is now the medium from which I derive my support and offer others encouragement. Life is odd and wonderful; and your Mark is beautiful for acknowledging your remarkable path.
I think it’s wonderful and amazing that you can get yourself through your struggles with your own path; sometimes structured 12-steps or licensed therapy works for people, and sometimes it doesn’t. It doesn’t mean those things aren’t terrific or useful things for others; it only means that you’re so special and smart that you need something a little different. I think it probably has something to do with your super-powers.
You’re a super hero, MPJ, and conventional stuff just isn’t gonna work for you.
I also think that encouragement and validation from the people who matter most to us is something everyone needs. Co-dependent you may be, but cherishing words of praise and honour does not make a co-dependent. Even if you get yourself 100% ‘healed’, you’ll always appreciate hearing those words because they’re special words, and you’re a special sort of girl.
you ARE truly a hero, mpj. and its nothing short of awesome that you and mark can sit down together and validate both your paths in your recovery. i hope you know what an incredible inspiration you’ve been to so many in sharing your journey. you’ve been such a beautiful encouragement in my life while i’ve fumbled around, finding healing in MY journey as well.
much love, mpj. much love.
You know, just hte other day my new issue of SciAm Mind showed up in my mailbox, and it has an article on self-recovery. You would probably find it interesting (and validating). There’s apparently a flurry of research interest right now in people who manage to recover from addictions without therapy or self-help groups, and it seems to be more common than was thought.
I have followed a similar path as well - its difficult and scary at times knowing you are swimming against the current - but it feels right and thats what matters at the end of the day.
MPJ - I agree that we’re all where we are on our paths, and there’s nowhere else to be. If we’re on paths that don’t work and we can’t or won’t recongize that, that’s part of the journey too.
There is so much to be learned from not resisting, and also from resisting; from being happy, and not happy; from doing it right and from doing it wrong.