By Courtney H.

I have had this big fat resentment against a childhood friend of mine for not asking me to be in her wedding party this fall. Even though my decision to stop drinking seemed to signify a serious barrier to our friendship, I still thought our many childhood and teenage promises of having each other in our respective wedding parties would be met.

The barrier between us began during our college years. It seemed par for the course with living so far away from each other. When we worked in the same city the year I finished my graduate degree, I was excited to spend more time together, which we did. But that year also coincided with my bottoming out, constant binging on alcohol and being terribly depressed. Selfish as it may seem, I was pissed she didn’t see that something was wrong with me. I was even more pissed that she asked me why I just didn’t try sticking to only wine when I told her that I was pretty sure I could classify myself as an addict.

Thank goodness for inventory. With that, I can definitely see that I have also repeatedly blown off social invitations from her (She lives two hours away from Charlottesville) during the past two sober years of my life. So I can definitely admit my part in the whole friendship pretty much derailing.

Why can’t I just cut off the whole friendship all together? Well, first of all, we are from a really, really, really small town in Ohio. Our parents are friends. I keep in touch with her sisters who are close in age to us. We all keep in touch with the same group of friends that we grew up with and see other when we can. Extreme awkwardness would ensue on a lot of relationship fronts if I publicly declared that I am longer interested in keeping our bond (thin as it may be at this point).

So we need to change people, places, and things. But what if you know you will always be connected with those you once depended on greatly, but who clearly don’t understand your disease?

I have kept my distance. I became angry when no wedding party invitation ever came. Although I used to send her cards and gifts for the birthday, I haven’t done that in about…two years. Phone calls of acknowledgement have been about it.

And, in the spirit of service, I just offered to help her move when the news came of my old friend and her fiancée buying a new house in Fairfax County. (I may have also been just a wee bit jealous about that too). I am not even sure how the dates will line up yet, but if they need the help and I can do it, I’ll be there.

A funny thing happened though when I offered to help. The resentment about the wedding just left. I took a look around the cute cottage that I rent and said a silent thank you for my happy, full, but relatively unattached life. I felt very grateful for no wedding plans, no concerns of buying a house, or serious thoughts of having children to contend with.

It seems that doing service, or just the offer of it, definitely works for spiritual freedom.