Home, home again.
Sunday, June 29th, 2008- (by JunkysWife)
- 3 responses
- Category: Sobriety Salon
I hate coming home. I hate the slow, slow dread that creeps up on me when I’m traveling. It was a four hour ride in the car, and I loved every minute of it. I loved having time alone, time away…and now I’m back.
It’s not even so bad here. He was glad to see me. The dog was excited. I just hate coming back to my life. I’m trying not to…but it’s there, coiled up inside of me…a profound hatred for everything in my house.
I spoke with a friend today who broke up with a boyfriend recently, and he’s moved out of her house this weekend. I was so, so jealous of her having the house to herself, having all the rooms to do whatever she wants in. She described how she knew she was ready for him to leave, the deep indifference she felt towards him, and the deep commitment to getting him out of her house and getting on with her life. I’m jealous of that feeling, too. I’m jealous of the certainty.
I want to want him to leave. I want to want him gone. I don’t, though.
Someone told me recently that it might not be wise to wait for that feeling of indifference to mark for myself when it’s time to get out of this relationship. I want to feel indifferent so badly, to feel resolute and sound and clear that it’s time for him to be out of my life…but maybe, just maybe, this relationship is different. Maybe I’ll never feel indifferent about this man. Maybe I’ll always feel attached, concerned, passionate, attracted…maybe that part will never go away, no matter how impossible or unhealthy he is to live with. That scares the hell out of me.
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if he’s impossible or unhealthy to live with then maybe you should feel indifferent just like your friend I suppose unless you are one of those girls who go for and stick to men who hurt and disrespect you …
It’s hard to be indifferent to someone who has meant a lot to you. Maybe the idea of detachment is better than indifference. I am not the type of person who is indifferent–I feel something. I think that’s healthy.
It’s really too bad that we can’t choose what to feel like we choose vegetables at the supermarket. “Today, today I feel like detachment with a side of zucchini”. Unfortunately, our feelings aren’t so simply decided; it’s easy to say what a person “should” feel in this situation, but the truth is that a person is more than his drug addiction, more than his faults and his lying and his stealing. There are too many layers to each individual, influencing how they impact others’ lives, to judge how we should feel about them based off one side alone.
If it were that simple, nobody would have the ability to hurt anyone, ever; which means that nobody would have the ability to inspire love and trust and beauty.