Little C left on Sunday for Alaska, and contrary to my grand plans for my time during her absence, I’ve accomplished basically nothing.

Sure, I’ve been looking forward to cleaning out the closets, scrubbing the bathroom floor, decluttering the house and having a yard sale ever since her grandma planned this trip. They’re gone for a week - what a perfect opportunity to do all the stuff I never do because I have a 5-year-old under foot. And I’d even have time to hit the gym, go for walks, cook some delicious food, and plant some flowers. Well, they left on Sunday and so far I’ve read, surfed the intertoobz, read, napped, and watched reality tv.

The messed up thing is that I haven’t been enjoying any of it. Instead of just relaxing into my laziness, I obsess about what I’m NOT getting done. I notice the time and think: Oh, Sh*t, it’s 3:00 and I’m still in my PJ’s, and I need to: clean the kitchen, do the laundry, take the donations to Goodwill…you get the picture.I look outside and see the beautiful sun, trees swaying in the summer breeze and I think: I should really go outside and enjoy the day, what am I doing, sitting in here? What is Wrong With Me????

Finally, J asked me to stop beating myself up, to try to recognize that I must need this down-time. I struggle with that though. I know it’s not productive to worry about what I’m not doing. I know I should either stop worrying and relax and enjoy doing nothing or do something. Sometimes that’s easier said than done.

I made some progress this morning though. When the alarm went off at 7am, I opened my eyes and thought: I really want to sleep more. Immediately my mind kicked into guilt-drive with my never-ending list of crap I should be doing. But I was able to stop it. I took some deep breaths and tried to get in touch with how I was really feeling.

I wanted to snuggle back down into my soft, warm bed and sleep. I was tired and achy, and I’d been having a nice dream.

So I told myself: Today I will sleep and relax until I’m read to get up, and I’m not going to feel guilty about it.

And that is exactly what I did, and it felt great. When I did get up, I got right to work on cleaning my bedroom - and that felt great too. I worked until I wanted a break, and then I took a break.

I know this isn’t rocket science, but it is a small revolution for me. I’m not used to taking care of myself: noticing when I need rest, and resting; eating when I’m hungry; moving when I need exercise; getting away when I need quiet time to recharge. Which makes sense, since I spent a long time numbing myself to both my surroundings and my inner self by taking copious amounts of drugs.

So this is probably part of the continued “thawing out” that we go through during recovery. It’s definitely a process of self-discovery, and while there are sometimes those big “ah-HA!” moments, most of the discovery is made up of these small epiphanies that allow me to keep moving forward as a person, growing spiritually and physically into the person I want to be.

For the rest of C’s vacation, I’m changing my goals and plans. Since I seem to be in the midst of a mild fibromyalgia flare-up, I’m going to focus on self-care. Early to bed tonight, spend a little time at the gym tomorrow, and get what housework done that I can without too much stress and self-flagellation. We’ll see how well I do.