that old, familiar voice
Jun 15, 08- (by Etta)
- 2 responses
- Sobriety Salon
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the urge to drink took me by surprise last night. i don’t know if it was before or after the tears. doesn’t matter. it was there. an old, familiar voice in my head…not yelling, teasing or screaming, but calm and subtle it was. a quiet attack. sneaky. “fuck it,” it said. “fuck it. who cares,” it followed. “who cares.” and for a moment i believed. i entertained the notion. throw all the work away. i was hurt. i was sad. and i did not want to feel hurt or sad. i did not want to feel at all.
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I haven’t had the “fuck its” for a while, but I know they’re just around the corner. The things that keeps me from going through with are: 1)I’d have self andto admit it and if I didn’t, I’d feel like a prisoner in my own skin, 2) I’d feel as if I had disappointed my family, friends and, (oh yeah) me and 3) I try to play it through to the end and that would mean jail. period. Plus I’ve gotten to this place where I really don’t relish the thought of being out of control of my senses - something I NEVER THOUGHT I’D EVERY SAY.
Oh dear, dear, Etta. I’m glad that you didn’t throw it all away. It does hurt when all those old voices come back, and they always do when a very strong emotional event happens.
Stay strong, sweetheart. One nanosecond at a time. You’ve come this far…