What If…
Jun 6, 08- (by JunkysWife)
- 2 responses
- Sobriety Salon
I got an email from a reader recently asking me if I ever imagined what my life would be like if I left my husband and found a new partner. It made me think if I come across as someone who never has even considered leaving. It seemed strange that I might make that impression on readers, as I feel like I spend more time thinking about leaving than thinking about anything else.
Each day is a weighting of options: How much would it hurt to leave? How much does it hurt to stay? As long as the solution to that formula weighs more heavily on the leaving side, I’m staying.
We went to a meeting together last night, and we went home and had a good dinner, played with our dogs, and went to bed in each others’ arms. It was lovely. We have such lovely time together when it’s good.
I also know that my solutions don’t lie in finding someone new. The work that I need to do is on me, first and foremost. I don’t believe that a different man in my life would make a significant difference in the way that I feel. Yes, my husband causes chaos, especially in the maddening phases of active addiction; however, I came to him. I chose him, and I choose to stay. I am not at all sure that if I were to leave him, I might not make my own chaos and drama.
Tomorrow, my step group and I are finishing the twelfth step. Isn’t that exciting?
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I chose to leave mine. It hurts my heart so much. My children don’t understand and neither does he. He called me crying a couple of months ago saying he didn’t want to live like this anymore…I told him I would do anything he needed..go to NA meetings ANYTHING….I had hope..I never give up hope but he never mentioned getting help again. And now thumbs his nose at the world as if he isn’t doing anything wrong. And our family has fallen victim to drugs and alcohol. It hurts my heart. I want the man I married back. The man I’ve spent 23 years with..since I was 16. I left because I felt helpless, couldn’t get through to him, and I was tired, so very tired of competing with his addictions emotionally and financially. Everyone says “just get over him!” and “just let go!” and somehow I can’t. I can’t give up on him even though everyone, including him has given up on him.
My sitution is very similar to yours, except that my addict, though relapsing regularly, comes off a binge and starts fighting all over again…often fighting harder than need be. He keep on sayins, “I’m closer than I’ve ever been.” Some days I believe him. Some days I do not.
Thanks, JW