I’m discovering more and more that my recovery touches areas of my life that I never imagined it would. I found my 12 step program to help me learn to deal with my husband’s addiction. That was all I was interested in…I hoped to find support in other people who had experienced addiction in their families, and secretly, I hoped that I’d find techniques to help me fix him. I wasn’t unwilling to work on myself as a part of the process; however, I was oblivious that working on myself would be a part of the process…that the same part of me that remains chronically attracted to unstable, unavailable people is the part of me that has been making so many areas of my life more difficult and more unpleasant than necessary.

I’d assumed an attitude early in my life of presumptive pessimism…I sincerely believed that if I worried enough about the possible outcomes of any situation, I could somehow fret my way out of pain. I could avoid hurting by thinking through all the possible scenarios of what might hurt, I could navigate around these obstacles painlessly. It never worked…I’d inevitably find myself sidetracked by something and miss the obvious signs that my life was going way, way wrong, and I’d have caused myself a lot of undue pain along the way by worrying.

Through recovery, I’ve learned to retrain my thinking. When I find myself falling into that spiraling habit of worrying, I get out of it. I call someone. I stop and listen, find the quiet place inside myself that’s always going to be ok. I say the serenity prayer. I settle it all down, and I recognize that the present moment probably isn’t nearly as bad as what I’m imagining for the future…and that no matter what I can imagine for my future, there is no way to predict what terrible (or wonderful) things might happen to me.

I’m also learning to cultivate gratitude…really to pursue gratitude in all my life situations. If I’m sitting in traffic in the heat, I try to be grateful to have a few moments to myself. If my flight gets changed at the last minute and I have to sit at the airport for a long time, I try to be grateful that I’m coming home and I have a few minutes to clear my mind. I’m finding that the more I nurture gratitude in myself, the more it nurtures me. Frustration is transformed to relaxation, and anger becomes serenity.

My life is a mess. A glorious, colorful mess.