I’ve got four days off from being a junky’s wife, and it’s delicious. I don’t have to be doing much anymore to feel like I’m really having an exciting vacation: Look! I can leave my purse lying around! Wow! I don’t have to carry everything with me every time I leave the house! Holy crap! Nobody wants me to pay for his stuff!

I’ve been spending as much time as possible outside of my house, which is good for me in so many ways, but it’s exhausting, too. Even the thought process behind not wanting to go home, ever, is exhausting.

He and I tried to talk about what was happening between the two of us a few nights ago, and it was mostly disastrous. I hate knowing that he’s too far off in addict-land to talk to, and I hate that I’ll still try to talk to him. It was so good, though, for a little while…I can’t help but try to understand what has changed…

A few weeks ago, he went to some yoga classes with me. While we were standing in airplane pose, he grabbed my hand, looked at me, and gave me the biggest smile. It was bad yoga, but it was good marriage. It reminded me of who he is underneath the disease, the man I love, and the man I wait for.

He told me that I’ve changed; I told him that he’s changed. He told me that I don’t speak to him as if I have any respect for him; I said that he doesn’t talk to me at all unless it’s to ask me to give him something. We are trapped in a communication quagmire, and maybe (maybe) that’s all we’ve got going on…we’re not reading each other correctly. That’s what he’s saying. I’m saying that this scenario feels very familiar. This is how we interact when he’s using: I detach and he withdraws, or he withdraws until he needs something, and then he demands that I fulfill his needs for him.

I hope that having a bit of time apart will give us both some clarity. I wish that the cycles of relapse and clean time were more easily recognizable, like if it were his menstrual cycle. If he’d strap a Kotex to the pits of his elbows so I could know he’s using, I’d know to stay away in the down times and to give up on trying to work through whatever is happening. I do know, however, that his disease has progressed to a point that if he is using…if the addicty behavior I see isn’t a side effect of his methadone taper or something else…it will spiral out of control quickly, and I have a plan in place for myself for when that happens. I also know that I can quiet down all this junk in my mind and hear the silence in myself, and I know I’ll be ok, no matter what.