The Second Road Family » Architect of Adversity

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Architect of Adversity

I beat myself up on a regular basis. I do. I think lots of us in recovery do. I’ve been beating myself up today in fact and it’s got me thinking about why. Maybe it’ll be something new to beat myself up about. I just seem to have this knack for making very short sighted decisions and for refusing to act on something until the 11th hour.

That’s where I am right now; the 11th hour. Well not really. Rent isn’t actually due till the 5th so there is still time to pull a rabbit out of my hat, but honestly, how much longer am I going to skate on the edge of disaster? Part of it of course is that in my disease, in being as strung out on methamphetamine as anyone I’ve ever known, I did some real damage to my employability. For months I was simply unable to hold a job.

Now that I am employable it seems that the jobs I can get are jobs working with people I have no business being around or jobs that in my pride I think are beneath me. Until recently I had such a job; way beneath me and working with a bunch of addicts, and I took a leave of absence to get over a sinus infection. That took three weeks and two rounds of antibiotics and during that time I’ve gotten very depressed and determined that I don’t want to go back to that job.

I’ve been well for over a week now and I’ve done nothing about finding a new job. Well not nothing exactly, but I haven’t done much. I’ve always been able to come up with money when I absolutely needed to, but I’m irritated with myself for being in a position where I have to worry about it. I think I have a good long term plan, a plan that includes going back to college, but I have terrible follow through skills and make terrible short term decisions.

I hear this stuff is normal in early recovery, but I hate it. I just hate it. And I have no one to blame but myself. And at the moment it’s easier to beat myself up about it than take action.

Maybe Monday.