The Second Road Family » ANOTHER FIRST STEP…

ANOTHER FIRST STEP…

I received this anonymously and wanted to share it with you. I pray that this person, and all of us, remember that in our powerlessness we can find our strength.

Till Next Time -

Your Humble Road Warrior

POWERLESS/UNMANAGEABLE

I used to think powerlessness over my addiction (crack) meant I was powerless after I took the first hit. Today, to me, it means I’m powerless not to take the first hit unless I take action to not take it.

Though I accept mentally, the concept of addiction, the truth is, inside I resent having to do the things I have to do to stay clean. I resent having to do them. I resent their redundance. I resent the time and the energy they take. Sometimes I get tired of doing them and before I can really reap the benefits, or even secure the benefits, I give up or rebel.

Rather than seeing addiction’s treatment as something that frees me, it feels like constraint. The gap between who I am and who I want to be, between where I am and where I want to be, often overwhelms me.

Powerlessness means I use when I don’t want to use.

Powerlessness means I use in spite of consequences known and unknown. This is insanity.

I use when I know it is damaging to me. It is like becoming the hulk at any moment.

I see my addiction as something that makes me different from others. It causes me to do things that are shameful and often, even evil. It causes me to forfeit opportunity to live. It causes me to constantly live desperately and in crisis. It causes me to push people away. It causes me to live and think “less than.” It causes me to take instead of give.

Addiction never allows me to follow through on my intentions, especially toward those I love. It never lets me experience fulfillment. It never lets me maintain joy or enjoy security. Addiction brings predators and degraders into my life. Addiction causes me to experience stress and fear in every area of my life. Addiction causes me to devalue and hate myself.

To fully discuss the evidence and impact of powerlessness and how it makes my life unmanageable would require volumes. It’s rendered me broken and shattered, suicidal, frustrated, paranoid, insecure, defensive and anti-social, to name a few.