Meditation is a suggested tool in my program of recovery. It sounds like a fabulous idea. So I listen intently for instruction. In meetings I hear people chat about “hitting their knees” every morning and every night. I have flashbacks to the movie, A Christmas Story, and entertain a sudden urge to dress in a bunny suit and blurt out, “I want a Red Rider BB Gun!”

Other members discuss their “quiet spaces” where they just listen to their breath and commune with themselves. They report this improves their conscious contact with their higher power. When I try this approach, I find it improves my conscious contact with my anti-anxiety meds. Apparently, I am not a very restful person with whom to commune. Oh well, onward and upward!

Mindfulness is another idea often mentioned. All right! This is a technique in which I have some experience! Mindfulness is a key component of DBT, which is the therapy of choice for borderline personality disorder. Finally, something I thought I’d easily master! Well, I guess I was somewhat successful. “This knife is sharp,” while I mindfully washed my dishes led to a 3-inch gash on my index finger. Note to self: it’s okay to just lightly touch the knife next time!

But that’s just like an alcoholic, isn’t it? All or nothing…do it all the way, or don’t do it at all. So, now I don’t do it at all. I suck at this kind of quiet meditation. It just doesn’t fit for me right now. I despaired about my inability in this area for a long time. Was I doing something wrong? (Another lovely alcoholic trait–we do like to be perfect! ) I’ve since realized my inability is not wrong, and I actually do meditate. I just do it differently.

I practice physically active meditation, and that’s what works in my life. Maybe some day “hitting my knees,” or sitting in my special quiet place, or mindfully washing dishes without slicing off a finger will be tools available in my recovery repertoire. Maybe. But for now, I’ll keep moving. I’ll keep lifting weights. I’ll keep running. I’ll keep hiking with my dog. These aren’t tools often discussed or suggested in meetings, but you know what they say, “Take what you need. Leave the rest.”

Have a great day, and go count some trees!

etta