Spiral
Wednesday, May 21st, 2008- (posted by Chris Mecham)
2 responses- Categories: Temporary
People always say that life is like a circle. It just keeps going around and around and that is the circle of life. I think maybe life looks like a circle when you view it from the top but when you turn a life on it’s side life is a spiral. Either it’s an upward spiral or it’s a downward spiral. Since I got sober I am almost always traveling uphill. Lately though I seem to share a mantra with Meg Ryan in that great movie, “French Kiss,” when her character is in therapy to overcome her fear of flying. The voice of her therapist comes over the PA system in the flight simulator. “What is your mantra, Kate? Say your mantra.”
“We’re going down, we’re going down, we’re going down, ” she replies.
Even when I discount for the fact that my grandmother died yesterday I am not feeling like I think I should feel. There are things that have happened in my life in the last week or two that I’m very happy about but I don’t feel happy. Not by a long shot.
I haven’t gotten out of bed unless I have to. I have a fridge full of food but that would require cooking. And doing the dishes that are piling up in the sink. I haven’t done laundry in almost two weeks. I sleep too much but I don’t sleep well. Everything feels heavy. Everything feels too much. It seems like nothing is ever going to change.
Intellectually at least I realize that things are fine. I have been able to ‘act as if’ for long enough, but it isn’t improving. It is getting worse. Writing this I could see that I need to see my doctor. There was a time not too long ago that I would have sought to medicate myself out of this feeling immediately. This is definitely the kind of thing that crystal meth will ease immediately, and then make worse. I’ve waited long enough for this to pass. It’s time to take some action.
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I’m sure I can help with the flying. Please see my video on this http://www.fearofflying.com/video_hs.shtml
Tom
Thanks Captain! For Meg’s character it was a plane going down. For me the mantra was figurative -down the spiral. But I appreciate you’re sharing the video.