by Courtney H.

I often long for the ability to time travel. I want to change what happened last year or ten years ago. I like to fantasize about the wonderful or awful things that will happen two to twenty years from now.

When I drank, one of my favorite things to do was to get good and plastered while staring at the wall thinking about how I was going to show them! The jury is still out on who ‘them’ consisted of and what I was going to show. The only thing that mattered during those fantasies was that I didn’t have to deal with my present. Dealing with my present during my drinking days meant confronting terrible depression. During the end of my drinking, the present was laden with legal and financial troubles, along with unemployment.

Fast forward almost two sober years and I still like to time travel in my head. Even though my present circumstances have dramatically improved, along with my outlook on life, I still fight the thoughts of “if I only I had done this, then this that and other thing would have never happened.”

This type of thinking has never once ever helped me. Before I quit drinking, I couldn’t figure out why it wasn’t the most sought after self help trick in the book. The only thing it does is keep me from being grateful for my present circumstances.

I have often questioned why my brain will trick me into wasting way too much precious time by this type of thinking. The best answer I can come up with is a result of many meetings, talking to my sponsor and writing a few inventories. Fear is the main motivation behind my desire to time travel. My arrogant alcoholic mind tells me again and again that the choices I have made are not good enough. Where I am now simply does not matter. And the future is a great time to wait until I can live my life properly.

So how do I deal with that acknowledged fear when I can no longer drink over it? There is no easy answer for this question. But I have found a certain amount of freedom by acknowledging how much the negative emotion still hangs out in my conscience to the important people in my life and when I share in meetings. Working a step or two is always a good solution for letting go of fear as well.

I hold fast to the idea that maybe the chronic fear which manifests itself through a desire to purchase a ticket on the time travel train might someday be gone all together. The worst of my cravings left after a year of not drinking. Maybe time will ease this life draining character quirk as well.