When my husband is out of the house for whatever reason, I feel this huge weight lift off my shoulders. Just writing that, I feel guilty. He spent the night with family last night after his latest drama, and I got so much done while he was gone. My house is cleaner. My car is cleaner. My dogs are happier. My head is clearer. I love him, and I miss him when he’s not around in some ways, but he really brings the drama and stress. When I have this kind of time to myself, I imagine what my life might be like if I didn’t have him as a part of it, and I begin to see only the advantages. Things would be so clean. I could leave my wallet lying around without having a panic attack. I could make all my decisions only based on what’s right for me, never pausing to think about how he will react, what he will say.

And I’ve gotten better about doing my own thing, making my own choices, but as long as I continue living with him, I’ll continue plotting my life around him. I’m considering buying a scooter, for instance. I’d like to do my part to help green up our planet, but I’d also like to save myself some money. I am afraid, however, because he will think it’s his and begin to co-opt it. I am afraid that if I take the scooter with me to work, he’ll either want to defeat the purpose of my having a scooter by driving my car around and using up all the gas, which he surely won’t replace, or he’ll whine and fuss and make my life miserable about how it’s unfair that he can’t use my car. I’m afraid of owning another large, expensive thing that could feasibly be traded for heroin if he relapses again. A part of me is thinking that I won’t buy the scooter because I don’t want to have to patrol another boundary with him, and that’s sad. There are things that I want, and I deprive myself of them because of his crazy, addicty behavior.

But I should stop, because I had a great night to myself last night and a great morning. I slept well, spread out in the bed by myself, and I woke up happy to be in a clean, de-cluttered house. That’s a good feeling.