etta--every day prior to 2 years, 4 months, 1 week, and 4 days ago:

I am not an alcoholic.

I am not an alcoholic. I only drink because I have depression. My problem is depression. I can stop. I stopped drinking for 10 years! The only reason I started again is because of the depression. Depression chased away my spouse, led to my illegal firing, caused the loss of almost every penny I had, and finally took my house! What the hell reason do I have not to drink? If you had the uncontrolled, suffocating, debilitating darkness of my life, you would drink, too! None of the meds worked. ECT made me stupid. Nothing worked! I lost everything! If it wasn’t for alcohol numbing my pain, I’d be dead by now! Besides, I am not an alcoholic.You guys talk about "powerlessness" over alcohol! What a croc! I am not "powerless!" I choose to drink. I have control of my hand and arm! Nobody’s pouring the beer down my throat! I hate that! Take responsibility for your actions for christ’s sake! And just because I don’t buy into “powerlessness” doesn’t automatically make me an alcoholic either! I hate that, too!Because I am not an alcoholic.

With the exception of my depression docs, nobody cares about my drinking. Nobody’s “worried” about my drinking. Shit, my family doesn’t even know I drink! My friends aren’t “concerned” about my drinking. I don’t hang out in bars with rowdy crowds doing stupid things! I drink at home…alone. I don’t drink in the mornings–usually. I don’t drink hard stuff–most of the time, except when I want the convenience of one of those little bottles for my jacket pocket. Other than that, I drink beer, and now sometimes wine…

But I am not an alcoholic.

You guys are all court-ordered into treatment, had your driver’s licences suspended…I’ve neverbeen in trouble, gotten a DUI, or drank at work; well maybe once or twice I had some vodka in my orange juice at my desk, but that was a long time ago. Besides I can totally function when I’m drinking! Most people don’t even know when I’ve been drinking! Once, I even went to therapy after drinking a six pack! She didn’t have a clue!

So you see, I’m not an alcoholic.

I don’t lie, cheat, steal–nothing like what I hear alcoholics do! I’m educated–two master’s degrees for crying out loud! I know all about alcoholism. My first career was in mental health! I’ve never lost a job because of booze. I still have my car, my new house, all of my things…alcoholics lose all that stuff, right? So, clearly, I am not an alcoholic!

I’m not an alcoholic.

And what about blackouts? I don’t have blackouts! Everybody talks about blackouts! I’ve never had a blackout! Maybe one time I forgot that I promised somebody I’d do something, but I hardly think that constitutes a blackout! Maybe I just forgot. People forget things, you know. Just because I forgot one thing one time doesn’t make me an alcoholic.

Because I’m not an alcoholic.

Yes, I went to bars alone and picked up stray men for sex, but people have anonymous sex these days! That doesn’t make me an alcoholic. People do that. No, I’ve never done it when I haven’t been drinking…so what? I don’t go to bars when I’m not drinking! People drink at bars, so when I’m at a bar, I’m going to be drinking and there are going to be men there, and… shit happens. It’s not like I go to the bar just to pick someone up! Well, maybe sometimes… I never said I was a goody two shoes! No, I didn’t know their names…no, it wasn’t always safe…still doesn’t mean I’m an alcoholic. Alright, so I won’t go to bars and pick up men anymore. Problem solved. Okay?

I’m not an alcoholic.

I happen to love beer. I have a high metabolism, so I can drink more than people would think. If I wanted to stop I would stop. But why would I want to quit drinking? I’m not an alcoholic. I like beer. My depression sucks. My life sucks. Who cares if I drink? I don’t care! At least it helps with the depression. When my depression is better, I won’t need to drink so much…

Because I am not an alcoholic.

I am not an alcoholic.
I am not an alcoholic.
I am no an alcoholic.
I am n an alcoholic.
I am an alcoholic.
I am an alcoholic.
I am an alcoholic.
I am an alcoholic.
I am an alcoholic.

i am an alcoholic –December 28, 2005

It’s nice to be here.

etta