Consequences.
Wednesday, May 7th, 2008- (posted by JunkysWife)
3 responses- Categories: Show and Tell
Consequences really piss my husband off, I’ve noticed. Nothing makes him more furious than for me to observe that he has done something foolish in feeding his addiction…when he has pawned things that belong to me, the worst part of it for him is my noticing, finding out.
He is facing a big dose of consequence, the biggest he’s faced yet as a result of his behavior over the last year. It’s scaring him, and it’s making his mood foul. How dare the state notice that he hasn’t been fulfilling his obligations? How dare there be consequences for spending a year sitting on the couch shooting up!
He has six days of freedom left, and he’s wasting it on resentment and frustration. For a moment, it seemed he’d had some kind of breakthrough…it seemed like he might have finally understood that he was going to have to change everything…but the last few days, he’s been sulky, sullen, fussy, needy and distant at the same time. If he weren’t on his way far, far away, I’d be pretty sure that he was perching on a relapse.
One thing that is working for me, though, is taking care of myself. Last night, we were watching a movie together. He was upset that his dog wanted to be petted, and he got increasingly frustrated with the dog’s neediness. Finally he threw a spoon across the room, shouted at the dog, and stormed off to bed. A few months ago, I would have followed him, begged him to reconsider his behavior, to think about how much he’ll miss the dog when he’s gone. He would have yelled at me, and I would have cried.
Instead, I put the dogs outside for a romp before bed, and I went to take a wonderful bubble bath. I read a book and talked to a friend on the phone. I got out, let the dogs in, and we cuddled on the couch together while I read some more. We all trooped off to bed together after a while. I was ok.
He apologized this morning for being such a mess the last few days. I understand his frustration…I understand it all…but this situation is happening to me, too, and I’m struggling with finding the balance between taking care of myself and expressing my needs. Writing is helping, and talking to other women in my program is also helping. I never could have handled this latest chapter of my life so gracefully without Nar-Anon, and I’m so, so grateful to have it as a tool.
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Part of my story is that at a certain point in my addiction I failed (refused - whatever) to meet my obligations to the state as well. And it was really clear to me that I could either cast my fate to the winds or I could do something different. The program made it possible for me to do that. I was able to bring myself to court rather than waiting to be brought before the court. And I was able to face the possibility of 21 years in prison with courage and integrity. I was able to do that with the love and support of the people around me and knowing that whatever happened, whether I went to prison or not, I had a purpose. HP would place me where I could be most useful to addicts.
It happens that I am really, really, really glad that HP thinks I’ll do more good out here, but knowing that ‘in there’ would have been fine, too, because I could be useful, and that I could be useful because I had a program, was a great comfort. It made facing the uncertainty less uncertain.
“Instead, I put the dogs outside for a romp before bed, and I went to take a wonderful bubble bath. I read a book and talked to a friend on the phone. I got out, let the dogs in, and we cuddled on the couch together while I read some more. We all trooped off to bed together after a while. I was ok.”
Cherish these islands of time and enjoy the good in your life. It is all that you can do anyway
Take Care
Jimi
in love with my own addict here and it’s all new to me. your blogs have been so helpful. i just want to know- do you ever imagine what your life might be like if you left him. what if you met someone new? someone who could resurrect the little girl in you and give her some real innocent fun with no worries, no huge worries? i don’t know if it makes sense- but this is what i think of with mine- what am i doing? why am i attracted to this situation? it’s like i was a world war 2 nurse in a past life or something or maybe, feeling economically unable to have children, i am making him into my son and getting my maternal satisfaction from caring for him. so confusing