I’ve mentioned before on my site that there was a time in my life where I was the drug user in my relationship. When we first met, my husband was clean. I wasn’t.

I am not sure, however, that I’ve explained the extent of my drug use. I was talking to MPJ last night about it, and wondering if I might not be (drumroll) a dry drug addict. If someone else told me my story, told me she’d gotten clean by moving away from the place where she was using, told me she was sure she’d never use again even though she never worked a program to deal with the underlying issues of her drug abuse…I’d think, “That girl needs to go to N.A.”

Really.

I started stealing liquor from my parents’ cabinet when I was 11. I was smoking pot and dropping acid by 13, and using cocaine daily by 18. Between the ages of 18 and 22, I would get clean for a few months, but I was never able to stay clean until I moved away from the town where I went to college. I’d wake up in the morning and use to start my day. I’d use between classes for a pick-me-up. I’d use before work, and I’d use on my break. I’d use in the evening, and I’d switch to alcohol to be able to go to sleep at night. I built my day around when and where I was going to use. I got in shady situations to get access to drugs, and I got myself into debt with my dealer.

What made me quit? I’m not sure…I moved to go to graduate school, and I wanted a chance to recreate myself. After that move, I only used coke twice more, and I hated the way it made me feel. I hated the detox…the coming down…the desperation that rises in my throat, claws at my heart. I hate the way I’d defined myself by using, and I hated the way I imagined I was somehow more special when I was high than when I wasn’t…that there was something about the way I felt while high that was profound, true, creative, insightful…I’d begun to hate that lie, and it took away the mystique. There’s nothing special or interesting about being a cokehead. Everyone with $50 and a lack of self respect can feel that way…

I’m glad I’ve found my way into rooms, even though they are the rooms of Nar-Anon. I’m glad that I’m working the steps with a sponsor and a supportive step group, and I’m working on my shit. I wonder, though, if I might not be brushing some issues under the rug by not working the steps in N.A. as well. It’s something I’m considering doing once I finish the Nar-Anon work…it seems hypocritical otherwise, and I dread the thought of going back to that place.