It was a beautiful day . . .
Monday, January 21st, 2008- (by Martha)
- 11 responses
- Category: Bouncing Off The Bottom
Yesterday was a beautiful day for both one big, important professional reason and many small, cozy personal reasons. The big, important reason was that I had an essay published on the “Lives” page of The New York Times Magazine about which I allowed myself to be flat-out thrilled. The small reasons were that Charlie and I celebrated by eating a big, unhealthy breakfast at a diner, having an orgy of football watching, and baking bread. Oh, and my daughter called, and we had our usual lively weekly chat.
Here’s the deal for me about wonderful things that happen. When I was drinking and using I got high on them–I needed wonderful things going on constantly to keep me feeling that I was somebody. I suppose I was, in some ways, addicted to wonderful things as well to alcohol and pills. I had no ability to sustain good feelings while having simple, normal, regular, pleasant days. I only felt as good as everyone else’s opinion of me, which meant I was constantly having to figure out what wonderful thing I could do next so that other people would think I was worth the space I took up in this sweet, old world.
Today–sober for quite a few 24-hours–I love plain, old, normal, pleasant days, just for being plain, old, normal pleasant days. I suspect today will be one of those days. I plan to get some work done, go to the gym, look after my ailing cat, and eat some more of that good bread. I don’t expect anything spectacular to happen.
Of course, I’m still thrilled about being in The New York Times. It’s a thrill I expect to enjoy in retrospect for a long time, without feeling the slightest need to repeat it.
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I read your NYTimes piece. That is what eventually brought me to this blog. Your essay also made me want to go get your book - which I will do and am so looking forward to reading. Kudos for your accomplishment yesterday - the NYTimes is the only piece of news I must read daily - so many people will get to read the Bus to Houston and relate…
And how many of us will do just that - relate on whatever level to family of origin issues that travel with us through life and shape the people we become, the baggage we carry, the issues we resolve…Glad you are so happy and healthy. Trying to get there myself soon….
Hi Martha: Thank you for your blog. I needed to hear this
Hi Martha: I would love to read your essay. Is there a link to it on the web? If so, would you come to my blog and share it? I relate to this in your blog very much: “I only felt as good as everyone else’s opinion of me, which meant I was constantly having to figure out what wonderful thing I could do next so that other people would think I was worth the space I took up in this sweet, old world.” Yup - ME TOO. I feel lately like I’m having to recreate myself in sobriety. Like I don’t even know how to act sometimes. A bit of a mine field with all the feelings. Anyhoo - I made it to six months today. YAY! Thanks for sharing here.. I enjoy reading and it helps me..
thx (molly over at recoveringwino.blogspot.com )
Lana,
Congratulations on six months….Major accomplishment…Keep going….You can do it…
Here is link to essay in NYTimes to cut and paste into your browser
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/01/20/magazine/20lives-t.html?_r=1&ref=magazine&oref=slogin
SK
Hi Martha,
You know they say we are in dangerous waters as alkies when we feel too down, we are also in danger when we feel too “up”, for that reason too I like them “middle of the road days” when life is pleasant and i just feel ok.
I take citalopram which is a mood stabilizer like prozac, I took prozac back in 1997/98 but I used to get sky high on the stuff, still I was still drinking back then so I guess it wasnt a true test.
Citalopram may not do anything for me, I dont know, but since I have taken it the highs dont go too high and the lows dont go too low.
I know that depression led me to drink in the first place unlike some alkies which drink leads to depression.
Anyway Martha I am glad you are feeling good today, because today is all that counts isnt it
That is a great accomplishment. Thanks for the link to your essay.
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