God and I can only partner in any useful way in the real world, and the reality is that the real world often makes me uncomfortable.

I’ve certainly done my share of damage by shying away from my own discomfort. Back in the early nineties when I was first climbing out of addiction, I ran a railroad crew hotel for about a year. It was the last remaining business in a once-thriving town. At the time, I was filled with the desire to save people as I, myself, had been saved—filled with it to the point of omnipotence. I was certain that I, because of my own experience, could do for other drunks what they could not do for themselves.

Bud was in his seventies, a legendary binge drinker who lived in a derelict store down the tracks from the hotel—or, at least, he lived there whenever he wasn’t on a bender and among the disappeared. I’m naturally friendly, as is my husband. Bud took to hanging around the hotel’s restaurant whenever he was sober. Either Charlie, my husband, or I would give him a bowl of beans and we’d talk. One day Bud took us down to the derelict store, showed us around and told us stories of railroading in its glory days. Another time he took us back in the woods and showed us a ratty old armchair in which he liked to sit. It made my heart hurt to think of this sweet old man surviving in such squalor. I felt a burning need to help him and a luxurious certainty that I knew what kind of help would bring him back into the comfortable folds of mainstream life.

Alas, poor Bud, he became my project, for in those green days of faith, I was still not comfortable shouldering my own discomfort with reality. I still believed that “doing good” relied heavily on doing, and I usually did whatever made me feel the most comfortable.

Bud took to coming in regularly late at night and sweeping out the restaurant. I fussed and made much over his efforts, which pleased him. When this had gone on for a while, I decided here was my chance to make Bud’s life better, and so I offered to turn the old man’s voluntary sweeping into a paying job. All Bud had to do was to commit to keep doing what he was already doing, and I would pay him minimum wage and all the beans—or whatever else we served—that he could eat.

Bud went on a bender that lasted a week, stopped all sweeping, and I think was never again quite as comfortable around me or in the restaurant. Now, I’m not arrogant enough to think I caused that particular bender—Bud is as responsible for dealing with his addiction as I am for dealing with mine. But I did put him under intolerable pressure in trying to avoid my own discomfort with his situation.

Since then, I think I’ve grown into a faith that at least lets me identify my own discomfort for what it is. I can now see that I should have just kept on thanking Bud for his sweeping, and kept on chatting with him over those bowls of beans. If Bud thought he should be paid for his work, I should have allowed him the dignity of saying so. My explanation (not, by any means, my excuse) for my well-meant job-offer is that I was newly sober, newly faithful, and not yet accepting of the discomfort inevitably caused by working in partnership with God.

and decided that I sound just too-too spiritual and perfect sounding. In fact, I thought I sounded like the kind of person I wouldn’t enjoy lunching with at all.

So I feel a burning desire to make one thing clear about my personal code of conduct (that’s the title of my last post). It’s very much about the way I act, not about the way I necessarily feel.

In other words, sobriety hasn’t turned me into a saint who always feels kindly toward everyone else on the planet. I’m still annoyed with people about 50 percent of the time. What sobriety has done is given me pretty formidable self-control. I’ve learned not to let my feelings lead my behavior around by the nose. It’s made me want not to damage other people ever again–verbally, physically, spiritually, socially, whatever-ly. And it’s made me want it enough so that I just don’t do it–no matter how irritated I am with someone.

I did enough of that when I was drinking and using.

I have a code of conduct, but it’s far less specific than it used to be back in the days when I used such a code mainly as a Richter scale for measuring the strength my current rebellion.

These days I try to be kind, thoughtful, completely honest with myself (an ever-evolving process) and as honest with others as kindness allows.

I try to approach people who are different than I, or who don’t seem to be behaving as I think they should, with curiosity and compassion, and without judgment — which is still a huge struggle for me, particularly when it comes to even thinking about well-off, strident proselytizers of fundamentalist Christianity or any other such judgmental religions. Why, why, why do such people have to disapprove of others in order to feel that they are holy themselves? But by even voicing this query, obviously mea culpa as well.

I try very, very hard not to attempt control of other people, places, or things.

I try to exercise self-control — not in a rigid, teeth-gritting sense, but in the sense that it’s stupid to do things that I know are stupid.

About money — that old, seductive root of all evil. I want to be able to pay for my own comfortable food, clothing and shelter. I’d like my life to remain reasonably free of draining financial stress, and I’d like to be able to have a reasonable amount of fun that costs money. But I only want these things if I can achieve them without doing something I know is wrong or limits someone else’s chances of having the same things. The Steps have taught me to be ultra-scared of any sense of personal entitlement that tries to con me into ever justifying doing anything for any reason other than that it is the next right thing I can figure out to do. This is not because I’m afraid someone else will find out what I’ve done, and I’ll get into some kind of worldly trouble, but because it’s this kind of screwy rationalization that will rob me of my hard-won peace-of-mind. I also have a healthy fear of the allure of things — particularly if the thing is new and advertised a lot on TV.

I also remain inherently uncomfortable talking about God. I try to do most of my talking about the specifics of what faith I have through how I live my life. And for me, any emotion such as triumph — one of the many feelings I term addictive emotional substances — are feelings I’ve learned to shy away from. Personally, I find them as dangerous to my peace of mind as my drug of choice. Whenever any of these seductive feelings threatens to take control of me — thank-you, Mr. Wordsworth, you did put it so well — I’ve once again allowed the world to be too much with me, I’ve gotten way too concerned with getting and spending, and I’ve once again chosen to remain part of the general problem instead of part of the general solution.

I make my living reporting for public radio, which means that I spend my days having conversations with folks I don’t know well. And as I do a lot of feature work–as opposed to hard news, a lot of those conversations go on for quite some time.  A successful in-depth interview requires me to help the person I’m talking to relax and just talk to me about what they think or feel or have experienced.

I used to think that to be successful, this kind of interview had to be done in person. But then, as I began to do more and more national work, I was forced into doing more and more of these conversations on digital phone lines. And you know what? It’s now my preferred way to have a good let-down-your-hair conversation with someone I don’t know. Why?  Because it removes all distractions and allows both me and the person I’m talking about to just think about what we’re saying–and then say it.

It occurred to me over the weekend that blogs allow a similar kind of quiet, focussed, in-depth conversation. Since this is a website about sobriety, those of us who participate just focus on what we want to say about that and then say it to each other.

All this is leading up to a question. I’m curious about what you see as the place of blogs in your sobriety?

This appeared in 81–a regional publication that I love. Like most of what I write, it’s about issues that are relevant to sobriety.

lastwords

June 2008

Crossing the Jordan River
So What About God?

by Martha Woodroof

I began school in the Southern Bible Belt before the Supreme Court removed prayer from the classroom in 1962 with Engel v. Vitale. I was the daughter of an agnostic and an atheist. Jesus was every child’s friend but mine.

On some Monday mornings, my teacher—Southern sweet and impenetrably groomed— would purse her lips and ask any student who hadn’t been in Sunday school to stand up. When I stood up, she led the class in prayer for me.

The first time this happened, I went home and asked my father if it would be all right to lie by staying seated. My father was tough when it came to personal ethics. He told me to stand up for what I believe. And so I did—first on one leg and then on the other—as the rest of the class prayed for either my soul’s redemption or that my heathen family would take me to church. After a while, it wasn’t so awful. It wasn’t as bad as stepping barefoot on a slug, for example, or going to formal teas at my great aunt’s. Looking back, it’s probably one reason I’m comfortable around strange people. By the second grade I had met a weirdo, and it was I.

My parents lived and died without being Born Again. The Bible Belt— thank the Lord!—failed to encircle us. I did have company along some other less-traveled roads— demonstrating for Civil Rights and against the Vietnam War.

I had lots of company when I dropped out of college to rejoice in the 60s and flouted as many social conventions, sexual conventions, and career conventions as I possibly could. I grew up fairly tough, independent, and willing, like my parents, to question everything— including my parents’ skepticism about the existence of God.

…

So what about God? By the late 1980s — divorced twice, restless, but still a firm believer in peace and love—I’d figured out how to support myself with freelance radio journalism. I specialized in what I thought of as Americana pieces and so spent a lot of time driving southern back roads in my pickup looking for material. Emmylou Harris was my traveling companion. She sang melody, I sang harmony; together, we were born to run. At night I slept in under my truck’s camper top, snug as a Hobbit.

The Jordan River runs through Rappahannock County, Va. I crossed it often while picking up tape for stories. Mid-bridge — perhaps because of the lingering effects from the Bible Belt — I would sometimes think about Moses and the Promised Land, wondering whether this Jordan River bounded any such place as that, and, if so, which side of the river I was on. I’d try to imagine how my life would work if I believed the way Moses had, what change for the better a faith in God might work in me. I had no desire to have it do for me what it had done for my second grade teacher, but I was never so dumb or so numb that I didn’t feel a tug inside to believe I wasn’t all there was.

…

Once while driving that road through a blinding, mid- December snowstorm, I almost hit a hitchhiker. This, as every child of the ‘60s knows, made him my responsibility. Besides, he wore nothing but a thin sport coat. The man could freeze.

I pulled over. The guy ran toward me in an off-balance gallop, his arms flapping like a wild turkey’s awkward wings. I held the passenger door open while he climbed in. “Howdy, ma’am,” he said and smiled. His teeth were bad. He stank like a camp latrine.

We took off together into the snow. The man began talking politics, wandering freely among parties and philosophies, smacking a knee rhythmically with a fist. He got increasingly agitated as though someone were arguing with him, although I hadn’t said a word

“Did you run your car off the road?” I finally asked.

“No, ma’am. I’m not out here ’cause I’m in trouble. I’m just out here.”

“Oh.” The snow, if anything, was falling harder. How had the Hollies put it, from the safety of their recording studio? He ain’t heavy, he’s my brother? Fat lot the Hollies knew, I thought.

My passenger went back to politics, I went back to silence. For the first and only time in my years on the road, I was scared. We passed a road sign: Jordan River, three miles. There’s a store there, I remembered. One of those country stores that never closes because it’s the only place its customers have to go

“I can take you as far as the river store,” I said.

“The river store’s fine,” he said.

His hand crept across the seat until his fingers touched my right thigh. My fear must have showed. “You think I’m going to hurt you, don’t you, pretty lady?” he said.

We were the only two creatures in our small, white world. If he makes a move, I thought, I can backhand him across the throat with one hand and keep the truck on the road with the other.

The man shifted slightly in his seat. I imagined a kind of gathering going on in him and tried to match it with a gathering of my own. Then— whoosh—_____the tension dissipated. He took his hand away from my thigh, and just like that, he was OK, I was OK, the world was OK.

“There was a time I might have hurt you,” he said happily, “but now, you don’t need to worry about a thing. When you ride with me, you ride with Jesus.”

I let him out at the country store by the Jordan River. “Thanks for the ride, pretty lady,” he said. “God will bless you for it.”

I’m not sure why, but I believe what he said about God. Years later, having swum through addiction with all its self-imposed disasters, and having landed on the other side, I now believe that there is a greater power that helps out any of us humans if we let it. This God is not the prissy, judgmental monitor that stalked my second-grade classroom. This God is whatever made my parents instill good values in their children, whatever partners with me in my recovery, whatever rode with that hitchhiker on the day he didn’t hurt me. This God is whatever it is that rides with any of us when we’re able to do better than we could on our own.

Our Head Cat, Mr. Lewis, is old, has feline HIV and has been on his dignified way out enough times to qualify as the definitive proof that cats have nine lives.

Lewis’ latest flirtation was death involved a bad reaction to a new medicine for joint pain. He stopped eating–and I mean stopped. We began syringe feeding (we’d been through that before), but as Head Cat’s baseline weight hovers at about 7.5 pounds, there wasn’t much wiggle room. Charlie and I were soon calling for help.

Our wonderful house-calling vet galloped to the rescue, bringing medicine to heal Lewis’ stomach. I was also put through emergency vet tech school and learned to administer cat I.V.’s. So, now I spend mornings before work and evenings after dinner medicating and feeding a cat. Who, by the way, is back! Lewis is once again enjoying his ancient life to the max!

Why I gladly spend all this time on cat maintenance iss directly related to working the Steps–specifically to making amends. During my sad, bad years I let down my family cocker spaniel at the end of her life. I was too un-together to make a home for that old and beloved dog, and so  I farmed her off on some people who didn’t take very good care of her. She was found dead in a field behind their house. I will never not feel pain about my shoddy, self-centered behavior

I can’t make amends directly to Lewis, but I can acknowledge my need to make amends to her by taking the best care I can of any animal that Charlie and I take in. Lewis was a rescue cat (we found him at a dumpster. Some person that I’m sure I wouldn’t like very much had thrown a litter of kittens away–literally–and Mr. Lewis was the last survivor.) We plan to continue his rescue, no matter how inconvenient it may be, as long as he’s still enjoying himself. For me, it’s all part of my sober life.

Had this essay come out in Sunday’s Chicago Tribune, and I was amazed at the response. So, I thought I’d post it here and see if any of you had anything to say about what I had to say.

Age before beauty is true view

By Martha Woodroof

May 25, 2008

For me, 60 need not be the new 30. I’ve already been 30, and I prefer adventure to repetition.

I do still dance uncontrollably in grocery store aisles, but I’ve moved way beyond the person I was at 30. And I have no desire for anyone to take me as anything other than what I am: A woman who’s officially old.

Yet, I’m barraged with the message that looking like the person I really am is so not the way to go.

My bemusement peaked recently at the college fitness center where I work out. From my perch on the elliptical, I could check in on three TV networks: CNN, NBC and CBS, which was airing “The View.”

Except for Whoopi Goldberg (God bless her!), the hosts of “The View” came off as aging, animated dolls.

What has Barbara Walters done to herself, and why? She’s Barbara Walters, for pity’s sake. Does she think we expect her or even want her to look less seasoned than we know she is?

The other two women looked like shop-worn Barbies; same perky expression, dyed hair, bright make-up. Nothing at all about how they looked told me anything about who they were as individuals, or what, if anything, was going on in their minds.

I rate people’s appearance by whether they look like someone I would want to have lunch with. Let’s just say I would love to lunch with Goldberg. She obviously has something going on inside her head.

On NBC, two women hosts were talking with their guests about a children’s book. One host’s eyebrows had been lifted into permanent surprise; her lips stretched into an everlasting half-smile. She wore bright make-up, had very red hair, was dressed in standard talk-show clothes—tailored, with cleavage. Every bit of experience had been stretched from her face. She might have spent her 50 plus years in a glass case. Her sidekick was younger but equally standard-issue.

And then there was the depressing children’s picture book they were discussing. It was about how parents might talk to their children about mommy’s face lift.

Mommy looks, “Not just different, my dear—prettier!”

Then next door, on CNN, Dr. Michael DeBakey was getting yet another presidential medal in honor of his lifetime of contributions to medicine. DeBakey is an un-enhanced centenarian. His lined, sagging face suggests he would be a rewarding person to lunch with. What keeps Barbara Walters from joining DeBakey in seeing herself in terms of what she has done and thought, and letting time write its proud notes upon her face?

Look, I do sometimes miss those days when I could turn heads, miss that frisson of awareness that often sparked when I entered a room. But that was a passing accident of birth, and I knew it all along. So what, exactly, is wrong with looking 60 if you are 60?

I came of age fighting for civil rights and against the Vietnam War. I’ve always thought of my generation as folks who are unafraid to change, who saw life as being about more than conformity.

So what happened to us? What has frightened us into denying who we are—the generation who isn’t afraid to change?

Martha Woodroof is a radio reporter and the author of “How to Stop Screwing Up: Twelve Steps to a Real Life and a Pretty Good Time.”

mwoodroof@gmail.com

Copyright © 2008, Chicago Tribune

I really believe that sobriety is about living and let-living, forgiveness, tolerance, and getting along with others–and this certainly includes our neighbors.

That’s one of my neighbors in the picture. I just discovered that she took a recent stroll through my gardens, leaving huge holes where flowers used to be.

Sometimes, sobriety is a real challenge. . .

Here’s the deal. I just finished the second draft of my second book, which has the working title, God Is. Now What? It’s basically about having a working faith in God outside of the confines of organized religion. The manuscript is up at my agents, but I’m frankly hungry for feedback. Below is a piece of the “Note,” which opens things up. I’d love to hear reactions just to this tiny portion. What I’m trying to do is be part of what I see as a change in our conversation about faith.

“One bright May morning my husband Charlie, who’d just read the second draft of this book, asked me why I was writing it.

What a question! I realized I hadn’t a clue other than on the most subliminal level. I was writing about God because—as deeply as it made me blush even to think such a thing—I felt called to.

My first impulse was to say something vague about being interested in the subject and let it go at that, but I knew that wouldn’t pass muster with Charlie. He’d known my dad, the atheist, and my mother, the agnostic, and he’d known me for a long, long time. For years I’d been happily scribbling away at this and that—in between reporting gigs—and then, all of a sudden, I was hard at work on what he and I call “my God book.”

So Charlie, as usual, had asked a good question. No one writes about anything without some kind of personal motivation. And no one writes about God without setting oneself up for the charge of hubris: So what’s the deal here, lady? You think you understand God and the rest of us don’t?

Well, not exactly. What I think, actually, is that none of us understands God. And that, in itself, is partly what I want to write about.

But that didn’t fully answer Charlie’s question; so, in case you, like Charlie, are interested, here’s what I think is the answer.

I’m a long-time sober alcoholic and addict, and I go to 12 Step meetings to help ensure that I stay that way. At these meetings, I sit in rooms with people whose concepts of God range from Evangelical Christian to avowed atheists—and no one cares. The only thing that matters is that each of us has something going on with some Power other than our own. Each of us, in our own way, acknowledges that it is our relationship with that Power that helps keep us clean and sober, makes us want to live kind and productive lives, and makes us willing to put ourselves to considerable trouble in order to help each other and those who still struggle with active addictions. Faith is about more than just our own spiritual comfort; it is about how we live our lives. And none of us tries to explain how this Power works, or how our own relationships with It works; we just know that living in partnership with that Power does make a positive difference in our lives. And I, for one, am very grateful that I’ve got enough sense to live in partnership with whatever that Power as a useful human being again.

Sobriety, to me, is a good example of one’s relationship with God in action. It doesn’t matter to anyone in those rooms how I privately relate to God or even what I call God. We come together for just two reasons: 1) to enjoy God’s presence and power in each other’s company; 2) to figure out what our individual partnerships with God mean in the living of our daily lives.

So, I think I began writing this book when I found myself contrasting the practical spiritual tolerance I experience in 12 Step meetings with other kinds of religious practice. To me, a lot of religious practices use our hunger for spiritual connection in some pretty underhanded ways to recruit and keep followers. In God’s name, they offer an illusion of control over the uncontrollable, answers to unanswerable questions, explanations for the inexplicable, and—most cunningly of all—invented fears that they can then assuage. Religions involve a lot of people in a lot meetings in order to reinforce their own misinformation.

12 Step meetings, on the other hand, recognize that some Higher Power is part of whatever helps us stay sober, inspires us both to be kinder to other people and to think about what useful work we can do. The emphasis of meetings is on strengthening our individual connections with the Almighty towards a constructive purpose. And that purpose is lead a kinder, gentler, more productive—and, yes, happier—life.

So, this is what I said to Charlie: I’m writing this book because I want to challenge people of faith who are not drunks and addicts to get with the program; to eschew further discussion and argument about God’s mythology and methods, in favor of getting down to good work as people of faith in God. . .”

I’m rotten at doing anything with visuals, but I wanted to stick these up, because Shadow asked for them. There are six of these babies. They make it very hard for me to pay attention to what I’m supposed to be doing.

I’m back in the office and, to celebrate, my foxes brought out their kits. I went running (literally) around the office letting my very dignified and very mature colleagues know. They in turn came running (literally) into my office and we all stood around ogling this chubby furry creature  scarfing up my bird seed.

There are four of them, I hear. I was at the physical therapist’s (durn!) when the other three came out for a viewing. There was evidently more running and more ogling.

You know, life is good. It’s hard to come back to the office after doing nothing that wasn’t fun for ten days. But baby foxes sure do grease the grooves!

And Alix, I’m afraid I don’t understand your comment on my last post. What does “starting out tabbed” mean? I’d really like to know. I’m trying to get a better understanding of the blogosphere.

Okay, I’ve been clean and sober for quite a long time. Enough time to have gotten and hung onto a great job, husband, house and 2 cats. In other words, I’m an official grown-up and proud to be so.

However–and I do love this–there are still times when I feel like a kid playing dress-up, and, yes, this is one of those times. I’m posting tonight from one of the guest houses at Montpelier, James and Dolley Madison’s ancestral plantation, all thousand-plus acres of it in Madison County, Virginia. The place is almost at the end of an enormous, multi-multi-million dollar restoration. It was owned for a few generations by DuPonts who entertained on a much vaster scale than the rather cash-poor Madisons and so swelled the size of the Mansion, stuccoed the brick, and then painted it a kind of New Orleans peach.

Now, the playing dress-up feeling is not because I feel I don’t belong at this press shindig. I’ve done several national stories for NPR from here–also ones for my station and a state-wide consortium of public radio stations. I know I’m good at what I do, and I know I know what I’m doing. But here’s the deal. We’re being put up for 2 nights, wined (which I shall, of course, pass on), dined, taken up in helicopters, toured, lectured, given gifts and, in general, professionally fussed over. There are reporters here from all over, professional people who’ve never been jailed for being drunk in public, and/or been fired from jobs. And that I’m being treated as part of this group delights me as much as prissing around in my Mama’s high heels and playing Grown-Up Lady when I was a little kid.

When I was a child, I loved to playpretend. I would fall asleep imagining I was the first female member of Robin Hood’s band, or the first woman to play major league baseball. When I grew up and was slogging through my bad years, I would lie in bed and pretend I was what I am now.

This afternoon, as I was driving up the long, curving, tree-lined drive this afternoon, it suddenly struck me that I don’t play pretend  much  anymore because my dreams have pretty much come true. Of course, it’s not only because I’m sober. There’s been a lot of hard, hard work involved, as well as the taking of a few well-calculated risks. But sobriety was the path I was walking when I did that work and took those risks. But I really, really love living my life these days.

Wow! Tonight when I lie in bed, I think I’ll just go to sleep feeling grateful.

I am a fan of the frankly gaudy, and so am in love with a certain local Chinese restaurant–not as much for its food as for its decor. There are enormous crystal chandeliers everywhere, lots of shiny red stuff, huge aquariums full of enormous golden fish. The staff sports shiny clothes and barks at each other in staccato Chinese, which sounds exotic and slightly stern to my American ears.

I treasure what I think of as the small moments of theater that happen in my real life, and two of them occurred at The Dragon Palace–both at holiday times. One took place around Christmas. There was a huge party eating at one long table in the back of the restaurant. They were all well-dressed, elegant in their bearings, a gathering out of a film. At their exact center, right under a directional light, sat a golden child of about four adorned with a gigantic red velvet tam o’shanter set at a jaunty angle. The rest of the party seemed to revolve around her, and  Charlie and I immediately dubbed her La Petite Dauphine. We have carried our shared vision of Her Royal Highness with us ever since.

The other theater moment happened on Easter Sunday. The usual music at the Dragon Palace is a kind of oriental musac. I was at the buffet, grazing happily, admiring other folks Easter togs, when all of a sudden Bing Crosby burst out singing “White Christmas.” He was speedily followed by Karen Carpenter singing another Christmas ditty. I remember looking up and catching the eye of the woman across the buffet from me and thinking that she looked as baffled as I felt.  Charlie, however, figured it out. The management knew this was an important Christian holiday, so they were seeking to honor it with Christian holiday music.

Such theater moments are a gloriously regular part of my sobriety. I’ve become both   more aware of my surroundings and able to enjoy them with sobriety. Haven’t you had the same experience?

The above image is from bedouinweaving.com.

Just finished the first draft of a story on a Charlottesville, Virginia, woman who is helping Negev Bedouin Women market their traditional, hand-woven rugs in this country–and not as a money-making endeavor for herself.

Political realities forced the Bedouin to end their traditional nomadic life in the middle of the last century. The Negev Bedouin’s settled in villages and towns as the poorest of the poor. The men took factory jobs, but the women–once integral to herding, harvesting, weaving, and home-keeping were left without anything useful to do or any way to make money.

Prue Thorner, the woman I did the story on, was visiting family in Israel when she discovered that the Bedouin women of the tiny village of Lakiya had begun weaving traditional rugs as a cottage industry–marketing them throughout Israel through the unlikely medium of high-speed Internet. And they were looking for a way to reach overseas markets.

Ms. Thorner went to work to create a non-profit that would sell these rugs directly to Americans. She takes enough of the sales price to cover expenses, the rest of the money goes directly to the Bedouin women.

Here’s a quote directly from Prue Thorner:

Someone suggested that I should triple the price of the carpets, put an ad in the New Yorker and they would sell thousands of them every year. And I said, “you know something? This isn’t what this enterprise is about. This is about helping women one at a time to carry on in their traditional ways and not destroying their culture. so it’s a fundamentally different paradigm.”

I’m so glad to hear of an American offering help to another culture that doesn’t bring with it any pressure to Americanize. Sounds very sober, doesn’t it? As in live and let live . . .

  Charlie rescued these from an old house that was being emptied way back when I first knew him. Wherever we’ve lived, they’ve always gotten the place of honor in our gardens. Whenever the garden gods get planted and flowered, that place feels like home.

I love their peaceful faces and the way they seem to relate to each other. They are separate, but they are so obviously interconnected. Just the way I want to be with the people I care about.

Over the weekend I finished up the second draft of my second, very short book, working title: God Is. Now What? One of my main points is that we cannot use religion or spiritual practice to hide from reality; in other words, we have to live in the real world, exactly as it really is and learn to handle all the ambivalence, indecision that reality produces inside us–not to mention anxiety, confusion and down-right fear. Faith, in other words, is not about us feeling comfortable–it’s about us doing what we can that’s actually helpful.

Back to my foxes. Molly’s comment about their looking thin really struck home. Much as I love seeing them out my window, I also wish they weren’t there, trapped in this little dot of woods in the middle of this city. I wish I could get Mr. Scotty to beam those foxes out to the woods and fields around my house, where I’d never see them, but I know they’d be okay. But Mr. Scotty, unfortunately lives on TV instead of in the real world, and those wonderful, magical foxes are stuck in the city. And,comfortable with it or not, I seem to be the closest thing they have to a keeper.

So, that’s the reality I have to face–uncomfortable as it is. The question for me to consider is: What’s the most helpful thing I can do for those foxes, given their situation?

The scrub outside my window is also overrun with birds, squirrels and bunnies–about whose presence I’m completely un-ambivalent, and whom I feed without any worry at all. With the foxes, however, I’m stuck between worrying that they’ll starve and worrying that they’ll become to acclimated to human contact. So what I’ve decided to do is buy squirrel food–which has cracked corn and peanuts in it, both of which seem to be part of foxes natural diet. It’s the best way I can think of to handle the uncomfortable reality of my marooned–and wonderful–foxes.

When I was drinking and using, I always went for the quick fix that made me feel better. Sobriety–and a life lived in partnership with H.P.–is tougher sometimes, but that’s okay with me. You see, I like living in the real world–even though it makes me have to have all these difficult feelings about things such as marooned foxes.

If anyone has any other suggestions, I’d love to hear them.

A colleague took pictures, and I thought it would be nice to post them since I’d written about them. Aren’t they something magical to have show up outside one’s office window? We’ve been debating whether or not we should feed them. Any thoughts would be welcome.

I had to give a talk last night in a town where I lived when both my drinking and my head were beginning to go bad. It’s a place that I cannot drive through without finding off a sense of hovering unease.

But it was also while I was living in this town that I made the switch from television to radio, and so “came home” professionally. It’s where I was when I first began freelancing for NPR–long before I knew what I was doing, of course, but I wasn’t about to let that stop me. Lack of chutzpah has never been my problem.

I talked about all this last night–as well as about some of the stories I did when I was there; specifically one on rock-climbing and another on the actor, Paul Newman, as a race car driver. And it came to me that while I was warming up to be a full-blown, drunken nut case, I was also doing some really, really good work.

It strikes me that sobriety is not just about making amends for the damage we do; it’s also about retrieving our self-respect and our sense of self-worth. It’s important for me to recognize that even when I was heading off the rails–even when I was off the rails completely–I wasn’t all bad, and I didn’t do all bad things.

Sobriety, I think, is first and foremost about getting really, really real about ourselves. And then getting comfortable with that realness. In our pasts, as well as in our right nows.

I almost never have time alone at home. Charlie doesn’t work and he’s a real homebody, so he’s usually in our house whenever I am. I’m alone on the road when I travel, but almost never, ever within the walls of my home. Charlie’s just always around, making me laugh, keeping me company helping me out…telling me how to boil water, feed the cat, organize the kitchen cupboards. Charlie, you see, is a bit of a hoverer.

Well, Charlie spent all of last weekend away, helping his brothers and sisters sort through my beloved mother-in-law Lola’s stuff in order get her house ready to sell. Lola died about six months ago, and so it was simply time to do this.

I didn’t go. I was really tired from the fundraiser and, besides, there really wasn’t much I could do. I would have no idea what to do with Lola’s unfinished quilts or her 10 years worth of old Look magazines.

So there I was. Charlie-less for two whole days.

My pre-Charlie years were my drinking years, and something about having him not around brought back the ghosts of how the inside of my head felt during those bad and desperate times. The chatter, the fear, the worry, the financial and emotional chaos–I could remember them all vividly. And I was so, so glad to be sober–so glad that the remembered, horribly reality of active addiction was no longer my reality. It was alarming to revisit my drinker’s head so vividly, but I think that visit just made me feel more grateful for sobriety.

The weekend was great. I gardened, wrote, washed sheets and hung them out on the line, worked out, read, had a lovely, restful, sober time.

The weekend made me grateful for Charlie as well. The ability and desire to enter into the give and take of a good and enjoyable partnership with him has been one of the great gifts of sobriety. And you know what? I even kind of missed the old guy’s hovering. At least a little bit

My work office is in a small city of maybe 45,000 people. I’ve written before, I think, about the scraggly lawn outside my window that’s backed by scraggly woods. Charlie installed a bird feeder for me, and I also sprinkle food directly on the grass and dirt for birds who prefer to ground feed. I can have a couple of dozen birds at a time, along with a half-dozen squirrels and a bunny or two. Once I had two deer. Now I seem to have attracted a pair of gray foxes.

They are healthy looking animals–sharp-faced, bright-eyed, about as big as medium dogs with big brushy tails and perennially perked ears. They don’t seem particularly nervous as they, too, eat my bird seed.

I do so want those foxes to be all right. I love seeing them, but I do wonder how they got here. It’s got to have been as unconventional journey to this place for them as it’s been for me.

I’m glad they’re here; I’m glad I’m here. They’re welcome to as much birdseed as they can eat outside my window in the scraggly grass amidst the equally scraggly trees